Derby Evening Press/Issue 07

Derby News

Derby Rangers Founded

The Eastern Federation gained a new member clan recently when long-time EF member Mark D. Stroyer announced the formation of the Derby Rangers. In contrast to the distinct domestic focus of the EF's founding members (the 1st Derby Privateers and the Derby Hospitallers, the Rangers are focused on external threats. Essentially a Derbian standing army, the Rangers will respond to any non-Derbians threats that may arise. They also are open for mercenary contracts in other towns, though they reserve the right to refuse contracts as they see fit.

Rob Zombie Found Guilty

We announced last issue that Rob Zombie, best known as the founder and leader of the 1st Derby Privateers, was to be put on trial for murder. The alleged victim was the notorious Lutheran, leader of the Shartak Protestant League. The prosecutor in Zombie's case was James Barnes, leader of the Derby Hospitallers (and, in the interest of full disclosure, editor of this newspaper). The two have worked closely together since the Eastern Federation's inception. Therefore, observers were somewhat surprised by the ferocity of Barnes' prosecution.

Barnes brought forward several exhibits of improper motivation on Captain Zombie's part. The prosecutor also pointed out what he alleged were signs of hypocrisy in Zombie's policies. Zombie didn't refute some of the allegations, but took issue with the accusations of hypocrisy. In the end, the judges were unconvinced by Zombie's arguments, voting 2-1 against Zombie. The Privateer Captain was permitted to keep his position, given his otherwise spotless record and his cooperation with the court. Zombie was ordered to carry out community service in the Derby medical hut.

Rob Zombie Interview after Court Drama

Q: Rob, do you think the decision of the court was fair?

A: Yeah, but I would of coruse prefered to have been found innocent, which I personaly believe.

Q: What punishment have you been given?

A: Its shaping up like I'll have to work a few shifts at the hsopital, you know, take out bullets instead of put them in.

Q: James Barnes was the prosecuter, correct? How do you think your friendship will be effected by the trial?

A: I dont think it will change. I mean, he was Prosecutor Barnes for the trial; Tribune Barnes was on holiday someplace. I think life will return to normal as soon as I've finished my community service. Hey, at least I wasn't asked to step down as Captain.

Q: On a similar note, how do you think your relationship with your Privateers with change?

A: On a similar note, i dont think it will. Unless it gets stronger. You can't trust a doctor who hasn't been shot, you cant trust a builder who hasn't whacked his own thumb...lets just hope Derby can trust a copper with a rap sheet.

Native Hostel Opens in Derby

In yet another encouraging sign, Derby has opened a native hostel. Located at [-70.095,+26.352], the hostel provides a safe haven for all peaceful native visitors to our town. The Derby Evening Press hopes this is a sign of a decline in hostilities between our great peoples.

Where Have All the Shamans Gone?

We have recently reported on the increasing tolerance shown by Derbians. The DEP noted with pride that native shamans were able to stay in Derby unharmed. However, now these shamans are gone. Where? The disappearances were sudden, and a sharp blow to the Eastern Federation's attempt to contain the omnipresent spirit infestation.

The guilty party or parties are unknown, though the Sentinel Rincewind reported that his death was at the hands of one Randall Flagg. James Barnes, leader of the Derby Hospitallers and Rincewind's employer, is reportedly furious, and the EF has vowed to hunt the murderer down. As of this printing, Flagg has stepped forward to appeal to the Derby Court. However, at the time of this printing, notorious terrorist Arthur Lines murdered a native in Derby's Native Hostel. Whatever the case, the DEP calls on the shamans to return to Derby, and we assure them that the reprehensible actions of a few are the exception, not the rule.

International News

Mercenary's Guild Goes Inactive

The Mercenary's Guild has been a mainstay of Shartak's politics virtually since the island's discovery. Initially a terrorist organization that attacked roadworkers, the MG later morphed into a mercenary/bounty hunter hybrid. Around the time of the Third Battle of York, the MG took on a more openly political stance. The MG was the primary invader in both the Third and Fourth Battles of York. The result was a bitter enmity between the people of York and the mercenaries. However, since our last issue, Guild leader The Malice announced that the Mercenary's Guild had gone dormant. A surprise to all, the announcement said that the mercenary troops had ceased to be active. Mercenary co-leader Tom Failur likewise confirmed the report, saying the Guild troops had ceased to respond to Guild summons. The only feasible option was an indefinite suspension of Guild activity.

Colonial Police Leadership Change

In a move that was welcomed by virtually everyone, Colonial Police chief Kjendlie has stepped down as leader of the CP. The long-standing police force's fall has been chronicled in this newspaper, with our last issue suggesting that the CP was essentially dead. In an apparent last ditch effort to prevent this, Kjendlie relinquished his power to fellow CP officer Old MacDonald.

However, Kjendlie remains a member of the CP, and he continues to agitate against Bauer, leader of the now defunct CCTU and current council member of the York Coalition. Kjendlie refers to Bauer as "King Bauer," accusing him of attempting to rule York. These assertions, coupled with Kjendlie's apparent lack of proof, had largely discredited him in the eyes of his allies and subordinates. Therefore, it is probably for the best that Kjendlie turned over his power.

Dork Cup Ends

In news that will probably relieve the people of York, the Dork Cup has come to an end. For those new to Shartak, the Dork Cup was the last event in the WickSick Headhunters' First Annual Winter Games. The goal of the Dork Cup was to gather as many Yorkish heads as possible. For the first time, non-natives joined the contest, with pirates and mercenaries joining in the fray.

The headhunters racked up an unprecedented 252 kills. For comparison, the headhunters amassed 137 kills in our unfortunate Derby Derby and 75 kills in the Durham Headhunt Contest. Thus, the headhunters' kills rose by 83.9% from the Derby Derby and an appalling 236% increase in kills from the Durham Headhunt Contest.

In all fairness to York's defenders, the headhunters suffered an equally unprecedented 95 losses. Again, for comparison, the headhunters suffered 61 deaths in the Derby Derby and 25 deaths in the Durham Headhunt contest. This means the defenders increased headhunter losses by over 55% from the Derby and a 280% increase in headhunter losses from the Durham Headhunt Contest. This means the Dork Cup contestants had a kill:loss ratio of roughly 2.65:1. The Derby Derby's was 2.25:1, and the DHC's was 3:1.

According to the Wixix Commission (which kindly refrained from taking our heads when they delivered the information) reports long-time headhunter Escariot took first place, with 29 kills, winning him a heavy sword and 1500 gold coins. Lama came in a close second with 27 kills (we believe two disputed kills were voluntarily relinquished by Lama in the interest of good sportsmanship). Pirate Nick Soapdish quickly made himself notorious in York by coming in third with 24 kills. These three contestants alone account for more kills than the entire DHC.

According to Broderick, the Derby Hospitallers' ambassador to York, Skeletor and Bauer, both formerly of the CCTU accounted for 13 headhunter deaths each. The next most effective defender was York Coalition founder and former Colonial Policeman Nighter with 11 kills. The DEP has indepedently confirmed these numbers.

Former CCTU members accounted for 35 headhunter deaths, with an average 5.8 kills per member. The 1st Colonial Militia accounted for 6 logged kills, claiming an additional three kills unlogged. This brings them to either 2 or 3 kills per member, depending on whether or not the unlogged kills are included. The Derby Hospitallers' relief force scored 18 kills, with an average of 9 kills per member. The Order of Patriots scored 9 open kills, giving them an average of 4.5 kills per member. It should be noted that all but one of these kills were made by Mr. Bungle, so the stats are somewhat misleading in this case.

In summary, this makes the Dork Cup the bloodiest contest thus far, and possibly the bloodiest conflict in Shartak history, with 347 logged kills. The Fourth Battle of York had a total of just over 200 deaths with both sides combined. We can only hope the spiraling rise in losses will drop off next year.