The Yorkman/Issue 009

Greetings, and welcome to the ninth edition of The Yorkman! As always, feel free to contact us via e-mail, especially if you have some news to share with the world. Also, feel free to discuss the articles on the talk page.

This issue sees the first article by our new reporter, Tintin, who has travelled into the heart of the isle at great personal risk to bring you an interview with renowned Wicksick Headhunter Lama. We'd also like to thank everyone who contributed to this issue and answered our questions, especially the particpants in the Great Durham Headhunt.

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Thanks - The Yorkman Team

This issue originally published on 12/12/06.

Durham Headhunt Special

As we go to press, we are around a third of the way into the biggest Shartak sporting event of all time, the Great Durham Headhunt. Although the main bastion of the Durham Defense Unit has held fast so far, the competitors have been merrily slaughtering stragglers and loners all over the Durham peninsula. But far more importantly, everyone involved has been throughly enjoying themselves!

Although Foo Fighter took his first head within an hour of the contest starting, it took several competitors a few days to reach Durham and join the fun. The first week was characterised by behead-and-run attacks on the outskirts of Durham, whilst the multinational peacekeeping force huddled in their hut debating whether the headhunt was actually happening, and whther to organise patrols.

As the days wore on, disagreements and dissillusion as to the actual threat posed by the hunt caused several Durham Defense Unit members, including a number of Colonial Police Officers, to return to more pressing duties elsewhere. The hunt finally hit home when Prophet, leader of the uncompromisingly anti-outsider group the Order of the Sword, slew Rozen in the medical hut and retreated south, hotly pursued by two of the defenders. He was eventually caught and slain in the waters off Durham, but the DDU was greatly shaken by this turn of events.

To date, there have been around 35 heads taken in the hunt, and as hysteria and excitement continue to mount, we can all look forwards to an eventful conclusion to this historic event.

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Meet the Hunters

(well, some of them)

Armadox the Butcher

Possibly the most feared and reviled native of all time, Armadox's bloody campaign against his own people in Raktam earned his the nickname 'the Butcher'. His clan, the Scavengers, endorse and commit similar atrocities across the island, and membership means an automatic entry onto most police forces' Kill-On-Sight lists.

The headhunt is the furthest Armadox has ever ventured from Raktam, and his infamous navigation delayed his arrival by several days. He has made a good start, however, and is currently rumoured to be in possesion of the conch. Definitely one to watch over the coming weeks. Especially if you're in Durham, and have a head.

Baron Samedi

Baron Samedi was bon in the native village of Wiksik. He came of age just after the attack on wiksik by the outsider alliance. The great shaman in the village was killed and there was much sadness. The baron himself is a shaman and the loss was hardest felt by him. Baron Samedi had friends who were headhunters and had felt the touch and gone 'wiksick'. After much deliberating the Baron joined the headhunters and felt the touch of the 'wiksick' with each gathered head.

Tempted to the headhunt by the prospect of collecting some famous high-profile heads, the Baron was the first to collect three heads after a slow start, and has high hopes of winning the contest.

Emile Durkheim

Emile experienced a spiritual calling to headhunting when the outsiders first landed on Shartak and slaughtered the first natives they met. This calling has lead him to join the WickSick Headhunters in their crusade to preserve everyone for future generations to enjoy. Lacking a Durham head in his collection, Emile was one of the first to sign on for the Great Headhunt.

Foo Fighter

Although often accused of being the leader of the WickSick Headhunters, Foo Fighter insists that he is not, and that the Hunt has in fact no leadership at all. Regardless, Foo is seen as the figurehead, so to speak, of his profession, and had the honour of announcing the Durham Headhunt to the waiting masses a month ago.

He has been reported active around Durham, but current details on his location and activities are sketchy and unclear.

Jesus

famed headhunter Jesus has been spotted in the region of Durham wearing a tattered and bloodstained Colonial Police uniform and claiming to be addressing the local overpopulation problem. The Colonial Police's opinions on this are as yet unclear. The opinions of the local population, however, are very, very clear.

Prophet

A veteran of the Dalpok defense and leader of the Derby raid earlier this year, Prophet's views on outsiders are uncompromising, and he has publicly stated that all of the settlers must be removed from Shartak. He has been seen weilding a heavy sword throughout the competition, so we can only assume that his motives for joining the headhunt are purely political.

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Shaky Start for Privateer Truce

A treaty aimed at ending the short but bitter rivalry between the Colonial Police and the 1st Imperial Privateers Regiment may already be under threat.

The two clans have been sworn enemies since the Privateers declared their intent to replace the Colonial Police and install a british governor in York with the aid of the York Loyalists. The ColPol protested this, and the Regiment's threat of a raid on York, and Head Privateer First Amongst Daves declared them to be "fair game" for his troops.

After a period of low-level warfare in York and many angry accusations on both sides, Officer Nighter managed to open a dialogue and the two clans came to a mutual agreement whereby the Privateers would no longer attack York citizens without cause. So long as this agreement was kept, the ColPol would no longer treat the Privateers as criminals.

When the treaty was signed, it appeared that another threat to York had been removed. But just hours later, prominent Privateer Sam Bellamy burst into the Medical Hut and murdered Average Joe, and inoffensive Yorkman who just happened to be in the wrong polace at the wrong time. News of this dastardly crime soon reached the ears of the Colonial Police, leading to Sam Bellamy's readdition to the wanted criminals list and calls from the Order of Patriots to renew the campaign against his clanmates.

At the time of going to press, the matter was still unresolved, as the Police were yet to announce a decision, and the Imperial Privateers were yet to make a statement in their defense. It all hangs in the balance; will the Privateers make apologies and reparations, or must the brave folk of York battle this foe anew?

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An Audience with a Headhunter It was with some trepidation that I approached the squatting figure of a native on the outskirts of Wiksik. This one, who went by the name of Lama, was the first native I’d seen since that headhunter who attacked me in Derby, from the same village. He glanced up and his hand strayed to a machete, his eyes scanning me with suspicion. But I held up both my hands, showing I held nothing but a notebook and pen, and said “Bonjour!” with as large a smile as I could manage. After a moment, he smiled back, said “’Lo,” and motioned to the fire. “I come from York,” I began, hoping he understood the language I used. Apparently he did, for he nodded and waved to the south-east. “I would like to interview you.” He nodded in assent. “What do you need to know?” He asked. I sighed with relief, the hardest part was over. “Thank you,” I said, and glanced at my notes. “The people in York are very curious about you and your people. I would like to ask a few questions, which will maybe help us learn more about you. “First, do you think that the outsiders respect your people? Do they underestimate you?” “It is a sad issue. Most of outsiderish-palesmellers think we are some kind of interior decoration, like mango trees, parrots: ‘Oh, seen that native?’ [laugh] Then speaking of respect is somewhat out of place. Of course not all of them are like that, but in general I feel this attitude is widespread. “On the other hand,” he said fingering his machete, “they move through the jungle as it was theirs, make a lot of noise, try not to go along with nature. That's why their heads are so easy to collect and avoiding them is no difficulty at all. We could call this severe underestimation.” He paused briefly, and then continued. “Another thing - we lived in peace for a long time on our sweet island. And in one moment, all these stinkers come and start to make some foolish claims…like…‘We change the name of your dwelling’…or…‘You need blankets.’ “I wait for the moment they decide to take all the trees out of the ground and make them grow with the roots reaching the sun.” he chuckled slightly, and then went on in a more serious manner. “Little kids know what is right and what is wrong and how the life is… how come these invaders no nothing about it? We are seeing a situation where someone more stupid than my 3 year old nephew tells me what should I do, to make my life complete and happy.” “So would you say,” I asked, “that the general native attitude is resentment?” “Resentment? Is this your word for amusement with a pinch of disgust? [laugh] I have nothing against any living creature.” I allowed myself a chuckle as well, and then asked my next question. “But, if the outsiders continue their present course of action, can you see any possibility of peace between the two groups?” He was more sober now, and replied in a steady voice “It is not a matter of conflict, so we cannot talk of peace.” This bewildered me to some extent, but I did not interrupt him. “But why do they want to come to our sweet village of Wicksick…Wiksik (he corrected himself)…and give it Dumbham or Dork-alike name? They can change their own settlement name. I believe our community would ignore them, as long as they don’t start killing us. Or maybe, [laugh] someone would decide their rather white faces would make great garden-decorations. [laugh] Who knows. “Natives do what they like the most of the time. Spend their lives peacefully; have some hobbies, take care of people in need. We do live a normal jungle life.” “So, barring a few infamous murderers, such as Armadox, is in-fighting between the villages of the natives, if present at all, as great as the extent between the outsider groups?” He looked puzzled for a moment before replying. “I've never heard of any villages or native groups fighting... “When we did our Wicksick tour to collect some pirateish heads, firstly we paid a nice visit in Raktam and had a lot of fun there, with a great ritual. And after visiting the shipwreck, we headed to Dalpok to help our Dalpok brothers repel dirty-stinking one-eye wooden-leg scoundrels. “I think the best way to put it in simple words is that we have no "goals", "aims", "territories"… "structures." [spits] Damnit, ugly words. “We have an island that bears fruits to feed us, huts to make a peaceful rest when it is raining outside, and things like that. We don't fight for territory. For Ancestors' sake, we are no animals!” I rapidly recorded his words, and when I had finished, asked, surprised, “So is it a difference of cultural psyche? Would you say that murder was introduced by the outsiders?” He looked thoughtful for a few moments, allowing the words to mull. “Life and death” he began, “are the elements of the same cycle. You kill the tiger, that killed the deer, that ate berries that are growing over your grand-grand-grandfather’s grave. But we don't find pleasure in killing just for kicks. [frown] We have some purposes. If anyone comes and messes with our peaceful living we will defend ourselves. “But killing for gold like the Mercenary’s Guild? It is perverse. Let's face the facts. You can say head collecting is brutal and inhuman, but it is the part of our tradition; it has its deep cultural meaning. And shooting people with these nasty rifles? Is it art? Is it self-defense? “Killing for no purpose... even animals don't do this. I know of young healer. He spends his days in the medicine hut, collects the herbs and helps people regain their strengths, be it outsider or native. Tell me—why some derby-placers come every now and then and kill him? [pause] Yeah, I also have no idea.” I nodded, and flipped to the last few pages of my notebook. “Durham,” I said, “is full of news of your headhunt. The Mercenary’s guild, the Pistoleers, Jolly Roger Gang, Colonial Police…the list is long. While, as you say, head-collecting is a venerable native tradition, how do you think your raid will effect outsider-native relations? What do you see as the after-effects?” “Again I feel you miss-use the word.” To my surprise, he pulled out a small book with “English to Shartak Dictionary” printed on the front. “Raid: a : a hostile or predatory incursion b : a surprise attack by a small force c : a brief foray outside one's usual sphere. “We are not hostile. Our excursion is definitely not a surprise attack. Our usual sphere? [laugh] We have been here for ages, on this paradise islands.” “But do not the Durhamites view it as such?” “Well, I think visit of the outsiders can be seen as: a brief foray outside one's usual sphere. Let alone the word ‘breif’. So tell me, who is raiding who?” “I see what you mean.” “What would you do if I came into your living room and said: ‘Your carpet is now my colony. I will kill you on sight when you are on carpet. Yet I also attack you in the kitchen.’ You would of course repel. Use some anti-carpet colonialization stuff. [laugh] You would definitely try to make carpet visitor go away as fast as it is possible, because - admit it - having someone completely strange, alien and unfamiliar on your carpet is sort of annoyance.” I smiled; the analogy was witty. “But what do you think the outsiders will do in response to your actions?” [shrug] “You can never say what these childish folks will do...” It was my last question, and I thought for a moment on how to conclude the interview. “Tell me something,” Lama asked, and I looked up. “Could you explain what the word "crown" means?” “It’s a type of headgear.” “Like a wreath?” “Yes. It also refers to a ruler; a chieftain of sorts.” “And where they are? Are they to be found in Dork or Dumbham?” “In ‘Dork’, mainly.” I replied, smiling. “So you say I can find English wreath ruling people in Dork?” He asked, with disbelief. His confusion was quite amusing, but I knew of no way to explain the subject further. “There is some dispute,” I replied. “What makes these folk be led by twigs and flowers?” “I can’t say, really.” “Yeah,” he said, shaking his head in amusement, “that’s the point. Bunch of invaders is coming to our island, commanded by headgear...headgear that is over the ocean.” “Yes. My own country…village…of Belgium had one.” “Tell me one thing, my friend. How come some wreath (I don't even try to understand that wreath ruling) that haven't even been here can send its people and claim the Island theirs? It's more fantastic than our legends! [laugh]” We sat there a while longer, and then a woman emerged from a hut in the background, and called something in their tongue. “My dear wife is calling me for a deer-stew. Want to come to dinner?” I could have used a rest after the journey to this village, but I was eager to begin the journey to York. I excused myself, and he shrugged, shaking my hand. “If you ever feel like visiting Wiksik, let me know. I will give you me hut and do my best to make you feel safe.” “Au revoir, mon ami!” He laughed, apparently the words sounded amusing to him. “Au revoir!” he replied and chuckled again. I grinned, and accepting the gourd of water and bundle of herbs he handed me, I turned into the jungle, heading south. Discuss Return to Contents

Native Shaman Dies for York

Tony Almeida was a well-known face around York. Of native birth, he studied the shamanic arts in Wiksik, and then moved to York to pursue his trade. One of a small, dedicated team helping keep York's resource huts ghost-free, Tony died tragically last week whilst attempting to expell a vicious poltergeist from the medical hut.

This is a dire blow for York. As we reported before, the shamen have greatly reduced haunting and the damage it causes, making York a far safer, and far easier, place to sleep at night. Recently Tony has been the most active and commonly present shaman, with his two colleagues believed to have been driven away by the actions of anti-native vigilantes.

This is the second high-profile native death in York recently, after the brutal murder of Lacuna at the hands of CHS hitman Ombined at Subcommandante Marco's speech in the same hut. Whether the poltergeist was in some way connected to the first incident - some experts think Ombined's spirit does not rest easy following his execution - is yet to be determined.

Hopefully, the return of the Colonial Police this week will make York once again a safe place for our astral protectors to tread, and Yorkers can look forwards to many more scream-free nights to come.

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