The Yorkman/Issue 018
Greetings, and welcome to the eighteenth edition of The Yorkman! As always, feel free to contact us via e-mail, especially if you have some news to share with the world. Also, feel free to discuss the articles on the talk page. We are also currently looking to recruit more reporters and columnists. We'd like to extend our heartfelt thanks to everyone who contributed to this issue and answered our questions and queries.
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You may have noticed this issue is a few days late. Expect more deadline slippage over the coming weeks, as our lives are consumed by meetings and actions, and Shartak is forced to take a backseat to real life. Normal service will of course be resumed as soon as humanly possible.
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Thanks - The Yorkman Team
This issue originally published on 20/03/07
A Triumphant Finish
The last few days of the second event in the Winter Games Series were an intense neck and neck race between the leading competitors. As the dust settled, Foo Fighter emerged the winner with 25 heads, closely followed by Great Durham Headhunt winner Lama and WickSick Headhunter Jesus, with 24 and 20 heads respectively.
In total, 137 Derbymen died, almost double the number of Durhamites killed during the Great Durham Headhunt. A lack of foreign help meant that the headhunters were more able to target Derbymen though, so a less misleading statistic is to compare the 137 deaths with the Durham total deathcount of over 100. Foo Fighter attributed this success to the relative proximity of the roaming shaman, and Consul James Barnes pointed out that headhunter deaths were almost three times higher than in Durham.
Congratulations are also in order then for the brave defenders. Mostly Eastern Federation and their affiliates, the defenders of Derby fought long and hard to prevent the headhunters from sleeping too close to town, thus increasing the AP expenditure required to reach town and take a head.
The follow-up to the Derby Derby has already been announced, to start on April 15th. Named the ‘Dork Cup’, it will take place in York and has already attracted a wide range of competitors. The grand prize for this final event is a heavy sword, as with the other events, and an incredible 1,500 gold coins. In addition, a heavy sword will be given to the Yorkman who suffers the most at the hands of the rabid hunters.
Defending against the Dork Cup is likely to become a matter of local pride to the people of York, and we expect the loosely-allied York Coalition will come together again to oppose the event.
Listed here is the final count of deaths per contestant. With thanks to Lama for compiling these, and Mark D Stroyer for wikifying them.
Contestant Derby Heads Deaths Add. Info
Foo 25 4 Lama 24 6 Jesus 20 3 Emile Durkheim 18 6 Escariot 17 5 Entropy 12 5 Left the contest Thordulf 12 4 Warboss Grimteef 4 4 Left the contest Blue Hummingbird 3 9 Prophet 1 1 Been elsewhere, 11 logged kills Wambayak 1 8 Keiichi 0 6
Total 137 61
Nationalists Set Deadline
Frustrated by the lack of progress on the Durham elections, the Durham Nationalists have decided to go ahead with them – with or without the Pistoleers. Setting a place and time for the polling to occur, the Nationalists have promised to abide by that result, whatever it is.
The date and place set is the 31st of March, at the Durham shaman, with the votes being publicly counted to avoid corruption. This decisive move has ruffled some feathers, and the Pistoleers have requested that the elections be put back. Nationalist spokesperson Nathan Hale flatly refused, and also refused requests for the ballot to be held in secret, to be counted either by banker Hideo or Alex Rodriguez.
Hale feels that the Pistoleers are trying to sabotage the elections. Dennis Kujit has refused to stand, delegating to his subordinate, Commodore Jacobi. Hale argues that Dennis intends to use Jacobi as a ‘friendly face’ to perpetuate to old system.
Hale also says that the Pistoleers’ choice of impartial arbiters is suspicious. Doth Hideo and Rodriguez have previously been allies or members of the Imperial Privateers, a pro-pirate group that the Nationalists have publicly condemned for their use of Durham as a shipyard and staging-point..
Despite controversy, obstruction, and a bounty on his head, Nathan swears that the election will go ahead as planned, and that the result will shape Nationalist policy for the next six months.
A Yorkman opinion poll has shown Dennis Kujit of the Pistoleers as the most popular candidate in the upcoming elections, with Nathan Hale and Commodore Jacobi trailing slightly with equal shares of the vote. The most popular choice was ‘other’, and it seems most people feel Durham should be ruled by some hybrid of Lama and Armadox.
Derby Opens Court
The familiar cry of the career criminal rings through our streets, mingling with the shouts of street vendors and the screams of headhunt victims. Anyone involved in law enforcement on Shartak will be well-versed in the inevitable protests. How dare you declare yourself a cop, make murder ‘illegal’, and decide to attack them without a fair trial just for attacking people without much reason at all?
Eager to silence such folly, the Eastern Federation have gone public with plans for a court of appeal in Derby. First-instance law enforcement will still be handled largely by the 1st Derby Privateers in the traditional manner. Should a victim of such enforcement feel they were unfairly punished, however, they can bring their case to the court. Each case will be heard by a panel of three judges. If they find in favour of the defendant, they will be vindicated and reparations may be made if appropriate. If found guilty, they will be given a sentence that may include varying forms of community service.
The first case to be heard by the court will be that of Blue Hummingbird, a participant in the Derby Derby, for murders during that event. Future cases may include Shartak Preservation Front Eco-Warrior Arthur Lines, religious zealot Lutheran, and, according to some rumours, Derby Privateer Captain Rob Zombie, for indiscretions in the course of duty.
As well as providing further legitimacy to the Eastern Federation’s policing, this will no doubt serve to inform and inspire the People’s Court of Durham, to be set up if the Nationalists win the upcoming elections.
A Letter From York
Time for a quick history lesson. Who remembers the Second Invasion?
For those who don’t a bunch of pirates attacked York. It started off small and then escalated. Most of the pirates involved were independents, but the ringleaders were all undercover Mercenary's Guild members. Long story short, the Guild left York.
After a while, when things had calmed down, they started asking to be allowed back into York. The Colonial Police agreed not to attack them, the Order of Patriots laid off a bit, and the Mercs came home.
Who remembers the Third Invasion?
This time it was obvious who was to blame, so they got banned from York again. After a few months of telling everyone that they hated the place and left of their own accord, certain Guild leaders wanted to walk our streets again.
And for some reason, someone agreed.
Who remembers the Fourth Invasion?
At around the same time, a group known as the Imperial Privateers appeared. Basing themselves around a fashionable hatred of York, they headed south, attempted to invade, and found themselves hopelessly out of their depth. They gave up, asked for forgiveness, and were allowed to stay.
Then they went and joined the Fourth Invasion.
General opinion in York is that they were humiliated during that attack. Withdrawing to the jungles, they have contacted the Colonial Police and asked to be allowed back into York provided they commit no crimes.
The people of York may not be perfect, but I’d like to think we learn from our mistakes. Are we even going to consider this request? Groups such as the Privateers and the Guild should be banned, exiled forever for their crimes. The tiger does not change its stripes, and these people have shown exactly how much we can trust them. The second chance should always be the last.
Shadow Over York
Reading the last edition of The Yorkman I was overwhelmed with nostalgia whilst reading 'A Letter From York'. It evoked fond memories of pitched battles in the street, pirates and mercs alike fleeing in terror as they were driven back into the jungle, nevermore to disturb our peaceful town. Memories.
Without a doubt the people of York owe their lives to the Colonial Police - without them York would have razed to the ground during the first invasions. However, and it burdens my heart to say this, there is something rotten in the town of York.
As 'A Letter From York' states:
"If you want to understand York, come visit the next time piracy rears its ugly head."
There is no piracy, there is no war. With no-one left to fight, who have the police turned up? The chilling answer, it seems, is the good people of York. Now don't get me wrong here, there are no beatings on the street, night time curfews or dawn raids - but York is increasingly being turned over to a state of martial law, with the Colonial Police as self-styled rulers. Minor indiscretions are punished with the full force of the "law"; new comers, rather than being given a helping hand and pointed in the right direction, are criminalized for actions that are no more than simple misunderstandings of the way the town works.
Then there is the matter of the break down in relations with our neighbors in Derby. Those "in the know" have seen this coming for weeks. Due to the self-righteous actions of certain members of the Colonial Police, York has now lost what was once a valued ally. It must be said that not all officers of the CP feel the same way. Many will have noticed that certain key members have already left, and some may even have heard the muttering behind closed doors of unhappiness and unrest within the ranks.
The Colonial Police gave us our freedom, but what price must we now pay?
Sed quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
Headectomy to Tour
Following their eagerly-awaited gig at the Derby Tavern, homegrown riot-folk talent Headectomy plan to start their “D8 with Death” tour across the island. Details are few as yet, but gigs at Czechy's Tavern and the Raktam Tavern seem likely, as well as a possible torchlit extravaganza on the poop deck of the Hell-Borne Strumpet.
The Yorkman hopes to have an interview with Headectomy in the upcoming weeks.
UPDATE: Since this article was written, the first gig of the tour has been delayed until after the Dork Cup.
The Great Raktam Death Race
Zeff, the world-famous Pirate Hunter whose extraordinary column once graced these pages*, has begun plans for a marathon race around Shartak. Dubbed the “Raktam Death Race”, this astonishing test of speed and endurance will take the runners through all three native villages, across rivers and up mountains, and through the ever-present jungle.
The first surviving runner to visit every checkpoint in order will be declared the winner, and receive a handsome prize (not Zeff).
- He wrote some stuff for us, as well.
Bank Reopens in York
The 1st Imperial Bank of York, abandoned during the Fourth Invasion, has reopened with a new banker. Former branch manager Ibn Al has fled north to the wreck, vowing never to return to York.
The new banker is respected local businessman Gitboy, once the richest man on Shartak and the first man to forge a trail between Derby and York. Gitboy says that he sees the post as a “unique and interesting opportunity”, and has already suggested diversifying into bookmaking for Shartak’s sporting events.
What You Didn’t Miss
The following events did not occur last week:
- Great Durham Headhunt proved “malicious hoax”
- Mt Shartak renamed ‘Mt Hale’ in honour of obscure politician
- Mercenary’s Guild disband to “give peace a chance”
- Shipwreck surrenders to York – “We were in control all along” claims Order of Patriots spokesperson