Shartak Financial Times
SHARTAK FINANCIAL TIMES
Vol 1, Issue 1.
Contents
Editorial
While The Y____ (we cannot bring ourselves to name the title) has delivered idle perusing material to the people of Shartak for the past year, there is only so much Marxist propoganda a reader from the elite classes can take. This newspaper, a broadsheet rather than a gutter tabloid like The Y____, is designed to keep the affluent abreast of economic and financial developments, as well as provide stock tips to aristocrats, and also nouveau riche and aspiring natives amusingly seeking to reach beyond their station in life. We trust this paper delivers where the competition patently does not. Augustus Lord Hart of York, Editor.
This issue originally published on 29th day of January, 07
Banana and mango futures - do you buy or sell?
With bananas and mangos only available by scavenging or buying from a trader, there is speculation that the current supply of these tropical fruits might decline if recently touted storms swept Shartak. Storms have been a topic for discussion and there is always a possibility that the other idyllic climes of Shartak might be disturbed by inclement weather. If this was to come to pass, would it be wise to buy into bananas and mangos now betting that prices might rise in the future? "Mangos and bananas have never been particularly prized in outsider communities because of the existence of first aid kits and water to cure ailments," says 1st Imperial Bank Chief Economist Hideo Inakajimita in Durham yesterday. "They tend to be more in use in native villages. If there was a sudden drop in the number of bananas and mangos then this would in theory cause the price to rise at traders huts. Someone with large stores of the fruit would be in a position to make a substantial profit. This is especially so since digging and agriculture have been introduced to the island." The recent formation of the Scavengers Mango Mercantile Collective (SMMC), with its stock of mango chutneys and other mango condiments, suggests that in Raktam at least decision makers are taking the fruit seriously. Armadox the Butcher, chief executive officer of the SMMC, explains, "Evil Kingadox, lord of the mango marmalade is pleased! You will never stifle my fruit based tyranny!" Questioned about the viability of his business, Armadox smiled, and said, "I'll wait until you clear the hut before slaughtering you, can't risk hurting the marmalade." Certainly the Collective's marketing campaign is provocative and eye-catching: carved on the side of a hut is some writing. It reads “ Above the hut's enterance is a sign "Scavengers Mercantile Mango Co-operative". Outside the hut is a stick with the head of Mother of Armadox on it.” Long standing searches for other fruits such as pineapples have always proven unsuccessful, and financial analysis predicts that the sale of such fruits at a trader would reap sound profits.
Christmas Inflation causes Concern
Inflation following Santa "Marx" Claus's socialist nationalisation and redistribution of wealth several paces south of what is now known as Santa's Splash, the waterfall at the south end of Blood Mountain. Claus, long recognised as a communist insurgent notable for his considerable efforts at disrupting the global toy industry by distribution of toys to "good" children, appeared in December in a hut with elfin associates to "give out" large sums of money to "visitors".
The trail of cash is presently being investigated by authorities, who believe it might be associated with money laundering activities funding terrorist cells and criminal organisations such as the Civilized Highway Society in York. "The large sums of money which have now entered the economy will have a negative effect on the value of goods and service across the island," says Dr. Henry Quantos, head of the Shartak Centre for Economics in Derby. "Fuelling inflation in such a purposeful way is negligent and harmful to ordinary Shartakians — which was of course Claus' malicious intention. The man is dressed in red for a reason."
Farmer Edward Smith, a labourer tilling fields north of York — while speaking in the third person as if he was some sort of aristocrat — reported that, "Edward Smith found Santa and helped him patch himself up by 6 hp; someone had also assaulted one of the elves for 7hp. The other elf was unmolested. Edward was a little dissapointed to receive only 50 gold coins, as he was kind of hoping to avoid the hike to refill his first aid supplies. He also suggested [that] if Santa had been directly west someways he could have stayed at the Smith Family farm." Authorities view such support of insurgents as treasonous. Captain Jacobi, a lout from York, had a different view on events: "i only got 50 coins... where the ___ is my ___ing HEAVY SWORD!!!!! meh..."
Traders and banks have been encouraged not to inflame the problem through large loans to the impoverished underclass. We take the opportunity to remind all lumpen-proletariat who might be able to read that property is not theft, but it is God's will that a certain, better class of people are wealthier than other, less worthy classes. We also thank Nick Soapdish, for apparently killing the Marxist in his den, albeit with the poorly thought cry, “Oh God....what have I done??”
List of the Wealthy
The following list is of the wealthiest people on Shartak as at today's date. Please note that the accuracy of this information is not guaranteed as it is taken from tax returns.
1. Barbarossa 2805
2. Cutlass Jim 2663
3. -- Anonymous -- 2421
4. Master Dan jun Perls 2370
5. Darth Bobo 2271
6. Holy Spirit 1931
7. ShempM 1640
8. Roger Wilco 1566
9. Hideo Inakajimita 1309
10. Dappled Shadow 1196
11. Ibn al Xuffasch 1195
12. Zom-VLD 1190
13. Songa 1151
14. a zombie 1086
15. Ropata 1071
16. Lord Aldor 989
17. Henry Indiana Jones 937
18. Elena Barton 700
19. Mowgli 675
20. Quest 625
Obviously substantial ancestral land holdings such as New Amsterdam are not included. While Imperial Bank branch managers occupy numbers 9, 10 and 11, our newspaper finds it curious that pirates are the wealthiest on Shartak, and theorise that this cash horde must have accumulated through prostitution and sodomy. We trust the good men of England will confine their wealth-building activities to more gainful occupations such as white slavery and opium dealing to Chinese.
More News in Brief
Other news in brief:
- The Imperials' attack on Wiksik caused healing herb prices to rise in the region from 1 GC to 2 GCs, proving that even natives can financially benefit from the otherwise messy gore of unnecessary conflict.
- The Mercenary Guild's attack on York caused a similar increase, which astute buyers will have capitalised upon in recent days.
- Current conch shell and heavy sword prices have remained unchanged for the past month, despite efforts to place more heavy swords on the market.
- The Great Shartak Bearhunt has several participants out to patrol Blood Mountain seeking bears with a large financial stake as a prize.
- The Embrace Death contest in Wiksik produced no financial benefits for anyone but a substantial strain on the Wiksik life insurance industry.
- The Derby Derby, starting on 15 February, invites all non-Derbians to slay as many Derbians as possible for the prize of a heavy sword, which will gain the winner around 50 GCs at a trader on current market expectations.
- The Entertain Master Dan jun Perls contest at the shipwreck ended with a massive prize of 500 GCs distributed to the winner, with more information next issue.
Next issue: Should pirates save for their retirement by burying chests of gold in secret locations, or would they be wiser investing their plundered gold in a high yield pension fund?
