Shartak Financial Times

SHARTAK FINANCIAL TIMES

Vol 1, Issue 2.

Editorial

The publishers of this fine newspaper condemn the tabloid pirate publication, The Masthead, for its libellous propaganda against York Owl God cultists and more recently the fine inbred people of Durham. On the first topic, this newspaper sees nothing particualrly revolting about mastublatory immolation against a giant stone idol, and in fact was contemplating a pay-per-rub stall to accomodate the increasingly long queues forming from Czechy's Tavern. On the second topic, the people of Durham have a long and noble tradition of marrying cousins, sisters, aunts, and livestock, and in that way follow the fine examples established by generations of aristocracy in beloved England. The publishers of the Masthead should pull their heads in, we say, or face the gallows. - Justice Hart of York, Editor.

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Anti-Communist League Brutally Slaughters Evil and Smelly Reds

York, 17 March: With the rise of Marxist subversives lead by noted 14 year old hothead Che, the call has gone out: who will stop this pre-pubescent revolutionary from taking all our toys and going home?

"The Shartak Communist Party is a menace," says Arminius, leader of the anti-communist movement and clearly one of the most sensible men on the planet. "They must be stopped! Our motto is "Live Free or Die", theirs is "Live as a Slave to the Shartak Communist Party or We Will Kill You as a Counter-Revolutionary". For this reason the Shartak Anti-Communists are in favour of war to the hilt on the Red Menace on Shartak."

When asked if any clemency would be offered to the Marxist peril, Arminius properly replied, "All bearers of the Red Plague must be stopped before they can spread their disease further! Yes. One might say that we anti-communists are like doctors-- we have the cure for the Red Disease. 20 gold coins to every man, woman, child, or animal who kills a communist, collectible in any settlement at the Bank. Show your pride in Capitalism by killing a communist for money."

Bounty for the death of Che and his followers can be collected from any bank branch upon proof of death (screenshot, underworld, bloody scalp).

A representative of the South Shartak trading Company was quoted as saying, "Bloody reds, indeed! What you did to the Tsar was inhumane, to say the least. Is it really a crime for one to be inbred, stupid, and losing The Great War at the same time? Surely there is some leeway?

"Now, I must warn you. I am not one of those capitalists that has not seen the light of day, much less felt the sting of nettles and the smell of gunpowder from a discharged weapon. Oh no, I am not just a businessman. I am Jack W Spalding, a former soldier of the Queen's own expeditionary forces, and as such I am quite capable of looking after my self interests!

"Besides, what do you plan on doing? Replacing our current system that rewards effort with riches with your worker's paradise? Or do you plan on replacing one elitist system with another, with you as the elite class? That is how humanity always works, and always shall. Now I have business to attend to. Good day, chaps!" In the interests of unbiased journalism for which this newspaper is famous, we intended to take select quotations from Che's brain-addled manifesto, but it was filled with nonsense questioning why people are kneejerk-against Communism, so we bundled the note into an effigy and burned it in the street before a chanting, jeering mob.

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Bank Re-opens in York: Shipwreck Experiment in Progress

The Imperial Bank is pleased to advise that it has re-opened in York, with long-standing York resident Gitboy appointed as bank manager. The branch is in its previous location, one pace north-west of the trader's hut. The re-establishment of operations comes following the following invitation from Colonial Police chief Kjendlie:

On behalf of the Colonial Police, I cordially invite the Bank to re-establish itself in York, perhaps with another Banker. For all the trouble and loss of business the bank has suffered amidst all the recent civil strife in York, I promise that the Colonial Police shall pay 500 gold as a token of York's forgiveness, no strings attached, as a donation to the general fund of the York branch of the bank. This sum will be payable 10 gold for every day the bank stays in operation, paid once a week. In other words 70 gold per week if the bank stays open in York the entire week. If the bank stays open in York for the entire payment period (50 days) without closing, I will throw in a further bonus of 100 gold.

I ask for nothing in return, except for the return of uninterrupted bank service to Shartak's best city.

With this committment from the local constables, the Bank assessed sovereign risk in York to have been diminshed, and re-established operations. A large sum of money is en route to York to supplement the branch's offerings to the public.

In the meantime, the former York branch manager, Ibn al Xuffasch is on the north shore of the island accompanied by 4 Mercenaries Guildsmen, namely, Griffon, Raffles, Tom Failur, and Zydd Soral. More Guildsmen are waiting at the shipwreck. Xuffasch's mission to to set up week-long operations at the trader's hut at the shipwreck, in the hope of, firstly, soliciting busiiness from wealthy buccaneers, and secondly, assessing the viability of ongoing operations at the wreck. The bank is paying the Guild 250 GCs for protection during the visit. At the conclusion of this task, Xuffasch will be retiring from bank business.

What will Xuffasch do after this mission? "I'm thinking about establishing an observatory on the top of Blood Mountain," said Xuffasch in in exclusive interview. "In addition to more traditionally stargazing, I'm also interested in the search for extraterrestrial life. Imagine if there were people out there, beyond the atmosphere, possibly even peering down on us?" Asked about astrology, Xuffasch smiled and said, "Oh come on. As if anything out there could possibly control our destinies."

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Fort Creedy Petroleum Continues Oil Search

The Fort Creedy Petroleum Company is engaged in a search for oil in and around the ruins of the same name, north-west of Durham. "We WANT to find within A year some HEAVY lubricant So We can start prOduction and Refining without Delay," says Eugene Hart Jr, the company's local manager. "So we're SEARCHing for oil and gas OUTSIDE the old ARMOURY AT FORT CREEDY." When questioned why a listed company would want to waste money on such a worthless substance, Hart turns serious. "We see potential in oil. Imagine a day where engines are other than steam powered, and don't require wood to be fired - the environmental benefits in saving forests would be enormous. And anyone who has lived in a large city knows that horse manure is particalised and sent into the air to be breathed in by the entire population - to say nothing of the stink of dead horses on every street corner. Oil offers a clean alternative." The share price of the Fort Creedy Petroleum Company as been static for several months at one-eighth of a gold coin.

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Economic Boom Increases Assets of High Net Worth Individuals

Today's statistics on the wealthy characters are as follows:

1. Barbarossa 3680

2. Cutlass Jim 3578

3. Darth Bobo 3272

4. -- Anonymous -- 2642

5. Master Dan jun Perls 2565

6. Hideo Inakajimita 2371

7. Dappled Shadow 2286

8. Holy Spirit 2096

9. Roger Wilco 1994

10. Lord Aldor 1746

11. Songa 1628

12. Nixixt 1441

13. -- Anonymous -- 1303

14. a zombie 1106

15. Monkeypaw 1064

16. Mowgli 1060

17. Quest 1039

18. nineless 989

19. Kristofer Schanz 905

20. Justine 809

The bank managers, holding other people's money, sit at positions 6, 7, 15, 19, and 20 with the York branch not in the list. Ropata, a repeated attacker of the branch managers in Dalpok and Raktam, has stepped out from behind his anonymous status. Elena Barton has unequivocally dropped from the list as the cut-off for the list has jumped by 300 GCs in the past 3 months.

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Mercantile Mango Co-operative Eyes Durham

In a recent interview about Durham, Armadox the Butcher, CEO of the Mango Mercantile Co-operative, was quoted as saying, "An army marches on it's stomach, and there are many scavengers now. I'm personally still killing for no damn reason, but the others will need some form of commition, since scavenger's don't mind killing everything, including each other. the shiny coin is what keeps them controlled, or atleast attacking one thing.

"After opening the mango co-op, I've gained an interesting idea on business ethics. Change isn't it, so much as knowledge that if I want to kill lots of people, I'll need something for them to fight for. The scavengers may be pawns, but they're MY pawns damn it.

"Other wise they'll attack each other for the fun of doing so, and nothign will get accomplished buy everyone dying. Though... that in itself would amuse me."

The Co-operative is still denying that it is refusing union officials access to its employees, and that the regularity of their murder and mutilation is simple coincidence. Tensions in Raktam seem to have quietened in recent weeks, although no one is sure if this is because of exhaustion between combatants in the civil war, or simply because Armadox is lost again. Armadox's executive MBA program starts at Raktam University next semester.

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Durham Election Outcomes Impact on Trade

The forthcoming election between the Nationalist candidate Nathan Hale and the Pistoleers' Commodore Jacobi is proving to be fiercely contested, with the Nationalists heavily campaigning to the mostly oblivious population of Durham.

While a Pistoleer victory will almost certainly preserve the status quo of free trade in the city, a Nationalist appears to be certain to result in a curtailment of trading activities between the shipwreck and Durham. This will almost certainly impact upon the activities of groups such as the South Shartak Trading Company.

On the other hand, local traders can expect the costs of first aid kits at the trader's hut to rise, leading to quick and easy profits, in the event of a Nationalist victory as the Mercenaries Guild and the Pistoleers take action against Nationalists following the election. The recent conflict in York saw first aid kits rise to as high as 3 GCs each, a windfall Durham merchants may be keen to enjoy.

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Derby Courts Need Lawyers

A new judicial system opened in Derby this week witht he following annoucement by Captain Rob Zombie of the Derby Privateers: "A chance to contest the desicion made by the Privateers, to say your bit where you'll be heard by more than just the Privateers. The jury features a Hospitaller, unaligned Derby resident and a Privateer." The brainchild of Derby Consul Janet Grey and implemented by prominent Derbian James Barnes, the courts have yet to hear their first case, due to a lack of legal representation for both plaintiffs and defendants. The establishment of a Lawyers Guild is presently being considered, but regrettably most of the best candidates are based at the shipwreck.

Elections for Consul and Tribune were also held recently in Derby, but no one seemed to notice, least of all Derbians. The recent headhunter attack seems to have had a fairly low effect on voter apathy, with many constituents holding out since no candidate ran on the platform of liberalisation of prostitution. "The establishment of the East Derby Brothel District is something we'll get to once we get security, health, education and transport infrastructure sorted out," said one anonymous eunuch official.

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Next issue: an expose on defective mango implants at the york dating agency. With pictures!