Channel Four News Team
"Every care must be taken that our auxiliaries, being stronger than our citizens, may not grow to be too much for them and become savage beasts." -One of Ron Burgundy's many leather bound books.
"And were a civilized nation engaged with barbarians, who observed no rules even of war; the former must also suspend their observance of them, where they no longer serve any purpose; and must render every action or recounter as bloody and pernicious as possible to the first aggressors." -Another of Ron Burgundy's many leather bound books.
"Yes, I am alone. The last of the Anchormen. I said scotch damnit." -A haiku written by a slightly inebriated Tovarisch Khrushchev of the Channel 4 News Team.
"Survivors of the cataclysm, huddled together around a dying flame, told in hushed voices stories of the Fallen, those that God had forsaken and left to die. Parents told their children the stories to give them a boogeyman to fear, lest they wander outside the buildings at night. But all knew the truth: they were real. They were real, and they were close. Only a few rose up to fight them, rose into the annals of legend. This is their story." -A paragraph from a journal found by Codename GT in the wreckage of Fort Perryn.
| Channel 4 News Team | |
| |
| Abbreviation: | C4NT, but spell out the full name in your profile so everyone knows how Classy you are. |
| Group Numbers: | Gigantic. |
| Leadership: | Ron Burgundy leads us into Glorious Battle. |
| Goals: | To crush Wes Mantooth, see him driven before us, and hear the lamentation of his women. |
| Recruitment Policy: | We need all the Vicious Killers we can get. For your part, just list the group in your profile. Then bring Swift and Hideous Death to your enemies. |
| Contact: | Ron Burgundy is best contacted through conch. If you don't have a conch, try the forum! |
The Channel 4 News Team, with five-time Emmy-award winning anchor Ron Burgundy; Champ Kind, Sports; Brick Tamland, Weather; and our reporter in the field, Brian Fantana, was Malton's number one News Team before the Zombie Apocalypse. But the times, they were a-changin'.
One sunny afternoon, while on the way to the suit store, the Channel 4 News Team was ambushed by Malton's own Wes Mantooth and a number of other unsavory characters. What followed was a Glorious Battle worthy, to be sure, of Scipio, himself. There were horses, and a man on fire, and Brick killed a guy with a trident! Then, to the horror of all present, the dead man stood. Sirens sounded in the distance and the survivors scattered. Thus began the Zombie Apocalypse.
Days passed. Champ and Brian went missing, but Brick, our sweet Brick, stayed ever loyal. Then Garth noticed the three hundred very angry Malton...ites outside of the station. They wanted Ron's brains. Realizing our situation and fearing that Wes Mantooth would take over the city, the remaining Channel 4 News Team reporters, studio executives, and cameramen banded together and proceeded to bring Swift and Hideous Death to all that shambles in Malton.
Contents
The News- That's 27.04 on your Radio!
I'm Ron Burgundy and this is what's happening in your world, tonight:
The Plan: I hear the Malcolm Building has fallen- but fear not! We've got another few NTs in the area to keep us sustained. The Colglough Building is just three blocks south of Perryn, with the Hurst Building just beyond that. The Cartwright Building is due east, two blocks further than Malcolm. Besides those three, there are NTs scattered fairly generously throughout the area.
The zombies hold one and we have small teams holding the others. If the zombies want to keep Malcolm, they're going to have to camp inside of it- and for every zombie camping inside an abandoned NT, there is one fewer zombie attacking the Gatehouse! And if they leave the Malcolm building, we can just come right back.
If you got killed in Malcolm, shamble over to Woolley Grove (86, 94) for a revive. It's three blocks south of the Fort Perryn Barracks. If you're still alive, then throw yourself into the chaos that is the Fort Perryn gatehouse! It's our next front line and we need more people in it! --Ron Burgundy 16:49, 18 December 2007 (UTC)
We Near Our Cunning Goal: The Big Bash has continued to drag their feet in the direction of Fort Perryn and Fort Creedy. Right now, they're set up right between the two, potentially able to strike either- and I, for one, have little doubt they will. Should they head north, we're safe to assume it's going to be Creedy. South and it's Perryn. By my reckoning, we ought to defend either one- especially the adjoining NecroTechs (Perryn's NT has been besieged by a small horde of 60 for a few weeks).
I know a lot of you are getting tired of fighting the Bash, but this is exactly what we've been waiting for- a fight in a fort! We've done suburbs and malls before and we'll do suburbs and malls again, but a fort is something new to this Anchorman. So I say we wait for a few more days and see which Glorious Battle they choose. Suburbs can wait, the suburbs will still be dangerous tomorrow, but this has the real potential to be one for the ages! Schoolboys and schoolgirls will remember our Glorious deeds in song- and the song will be accompanied by our children who will have since formed a family band and toured the countryside!
All we need do is confront the Big Bash at the fort, show the zombies how Classy we are, try to convert them to our Pagan ways, get drunk and take pictures of ourselves posing with them, and in short order we will stand next to the likes of Achilles and Periander in Valhalla! We've tried this "throwing ourselves in front of the Bash" strategy before. Likely, we'll end up with a larger Angerstein Building type fight. I know that one didn't work out too well, but rest assured- the Channel 4 News Team military strategists assure me that 60% of the time, it works all the time. If that doesn't make any sense to you, it's probably because you're either a zombie, a pirate, or a hooker, or some combination of the three.
Get ready, News Team! The storm's a brewin! Brick loves Bash- and I'm 72% sure that I do, too. --Ron Burgundy 20:28, 14 December 2007 (UTC)
- The Zombies have Arrived! Well let me be the first to say, "fuck!" We picked a fight with the Big Bash and... well, I can't believe they fell for our cunning rouse described below. Despite that, I immediately regret my decision. The zombies are massive! They looked a lot smaller from over in Hildebrand.
- There are over 200 of them in the area- 110 outside the Malcolm Building (Perryn's adjoining NT) and another 60 attacking the gatehouse. The main horde is being held off by 70 or so Classy survivors, making their stand in the Malcolm Building. It's going to be extremely bloody and we could use some reinforcements to make this battle last a bit longer and cost a few more lives. That is to say, we need you! Hell, I need you! I'm a mess without you. Without you, my hair becomes all disheveled and I just wander the streets drinking milk and eating brains all day long.
- Make no mistake about it, ladies and gentlemen, the bears have descended on the News Team and it's not going well. It's not going well in the sense that this is exactly the type of battle we're looking for! It's just like Thermopylae! The only difference that I can see is we're fighting zombies instead of Persians, but beggars can't be choosers. You know, today, I watched a reporter get torn to shreds on his first day out. He was in the middle of his report, when a bear jumped up and ripped his face off.
- This battle is going to be one for the history books! If you're in the area, it's not something you want to miss. Being with the News Team has been likened to "being strapped to the underside of a Ferrari; fun with a dash of ohshitoshitohshit." Verily, it has been said that "Following the Channel 4 News Team is the only way I'm assured to be in worse danger than I can handle." I was killed three times, today. But I killed a lot of zombies, too. I don't know if you heard me counting. I killed over 1000. --Ron Burgundy 01:02, 18 December 2007 (UTC)
Communicating with our Foe: Just so you guys know we're trying our best to get the Big Bash to come down and fight us at Perryn, here's a something I wrote on their forum while incognito and wearing a zombie mask. Their brains are only one third the size of ours. I think it fooled a few of them.
- "Fort Perryn is currently in survivor hands with many hundreds of juicy brains inside. There is an adjoining NT which is fully staffed, though under siege by a group of about 30 FU zombies. Other buildings near Perryn are also populated and there are only a handful of other zombies moving through the area.
- It would be a wonderful idea if we zombies in the Big Bash attacked Fort Perryn and attempted to slay the many members of the Channel 4 News Team who have taken up occupancy within its imposing walls. The warriors in the Channel 4 News Team are ferocious and it would truly be a pleasure for us, the zombies, to fight them. They're all easily 7 feet tall and I hear they eat nothing but nails and broken glass for lunch and wash it down with nothing but Scotch and zombie blood, which drips down to their children for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
- It is the definite, unequivocal opinion of this loyal member of the Big Bash that we would best present ourselves as offerings to their strange, pagan Gods if we were to immediately drop what we are doing and attack the Channel 4 News Team in such a way that we are able to show them what Wes Mantooth is all about. Are you with me? FOR THE HORDE!
- Barjah!"
I especially like the "Barjah" part. It makes for a nice Dionysian cry. As many of you know, it means something really mean sounding in German, though scholars maintain that the translation was lost centuries ago. Speaking of which, did you know that we don't have a battle cry yet? "Stay Classy" is close, but that's hardly something you can scream while chopping a flesh-eating zombie's head off after you just stuck your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend's face. Anyway, I'm just throwing that out there. If you don't like it, you can throw it right back. --Ron Burgundy 19:22, 11 December 2007 (UTC)
Another Interview: Jon Pyre, a longtime News Team reporter, stumbled across Bullgod, recently, near Fort Perryn. Bullgod, who was living at the time, was kind enough to give us a second interview! If you recall, he was interviewed earlier on the topic of the zombie strike.
Unlike our earlier interview with Bullgod, the man was alive for this one and was more than willing to do it on the spot- no teleprompter or anything! I'm not sure how he pulled that one off. Must be a zombie thing. Regardless, Bullgod would make a fine reporter, if he'd just stop eating brains and, as he mentioned in the interview, babies. If you're interested in the wisdom of a man brought, though ever so briefly, back from the dead, you can read it our official transcript of it here. He's pretty articulate for a walking corpse, isn't he? --Ron Burgundy 05:50, 10 December 2007 (UTC)
NecroWatch- the Latest in wikiNectoTechnology: Some folks from our forum have created a working list of all the NectoTechs in Malton- complete with zombie migratory patterns! It's called "NecroWatch" and stands to be the next big thing. Users can updated it in the same fashion as the suburb page and, if enough people start doing it, the NecroWatch has the potential to become an extremely useful tool for tracking Malton's roaming herds of zombies.
Just access the NecroNet in your favorite NT building, take a screen shot, and upload the image to the wiki! Help out and you'll be doing Odin's work. You can also add their logo to your wikipage by typing {{NecroWatch|Name=???}} and filling in your name. Alternatively, you can just steal their code and then butcher it, like I did. Remember, you read about NecroWatch here first! --Ron Burgundy 06:42, 9 December 2007 (UTC)
| 100px | NecroWatch |
| Odin's Holy Army of loyal Channel 4 News Team reporters work with NecroWatch to monitor Malton's NecroNet system and thus slay zombies more effectively than they would otherwise. They have proven their dedication to the pursuit of Truth, Knowledge, Beauty, and the utter destruction of Malton's odious, loathsome, shambling hordes. |
Special Reports- That's 27.04 on your Radio!
From our correspondent in the field, Information Minister!
Dec 17th, 2007. Good evening friends, and here's another low down from the snowy streets of Malton.
The last week has seen me holed up with an odd collection of guys, bears, weregoats and octopi that go by the name of Malton Tours Inc. As well as being good eggs they also take sightseers around the hot, and not, spots of this damned city. I liked them, and I think they liked me; the goat was certainly not gruff with his tongue!
I had a chat with 'Baby Face' Nelson, notorious gangster from yesteryear who tried to sell me a bottle of hootch for way over the odds. When I told him prohibition had ended he nearly ate his tommy gun. He had a bad obsession with cops, living or otherwise but he wore his hat with style.
Also in the room were 2 of gods own lieutenants, Padre Romero and Pope Beligerent I. The pope was pretty chatty and his hat was kinda natty...but his thoughts were a little scatty. After a drunken ramble in which he blamed gay marriage for the zombie holocaust he told the viewers, kids and all, that god had moved on with his life and that we should do the same. It sounded plausible, then he peed on the goat and lost all credibility.
After a comatose silence the ever watchful Romero then unleashed a salvo of awesome alliteration that left less literate minds mashed in the maze of it's complex conundrums. It went right over my head but I was still damn impressed. The studio edited it out though as they felt it would melt many San Diegon brains.
I'll get you news of the bash as soon as I can fix my radio, but I'm sure it's all good. Never have such a collection of surrender monkeys been seen since the French took to the field in WW2.
Good night San Diego, may sweet dreams and hot women find you all.
For older field reports, make sure to check our Field Reports Tape Archive. Make reservations for the video machine in advance!
Various Interviews
A few months back, the Channel 4 News Team started interviewing Malton's living, dead, and undead. After all, we're a News Team and if that hideous freak Larry King can do it, so can we! Anyhow, time passed and we've been getting more and more of these things. Previously, we've sat down ZombieMcAllen of the Undeaedites, Sonny Corleone of the RRF, and Bullgod of the latest Strike. There have also been several "guest speakers" on the forums, come to tell tales of the early days of Urban Dead! Those might just make the wiki someday, but as of now, they've got more to do with the Quartly Study Group.
Moving on, today, we're adding two more interviews to the pile: one with the Mall Tour's Xyu and another with Jorm, who created Nexus War. They're both short, interesting reads- especially if you've ever wondered how to pronounce "Xyu." Unfortunately, we're running out of space. As such, the hosting method has been changed. From now on, all interviews will be posted on the Exclusives page, as before, but we won't have excerpts on the main wiki page. Instead, we'll have a simple, elegant, Classy list.
- ZombieMcAllen of the Undeadites: ZombieMcAllen discusses gin and hair with the Channel 4 News Team's very own Ed Harken. This was our first, groundbreaking interview! You can read the full interview here
- Sonny Corleone, the second leader of the RRF: Sonny discusses other RRF leaders and general UD politics. You can read the full interview here
- Bullgod, from the Strike in early 2007: Bullgod talks about why there survivors outnumber zombies in a zombie apocalypse. This one was conducted by the Channel 4 News Team's very own Comrade Tovarisch Khrushchev. You can read the full interview here
- Xyu, from various Mall Tours and Bashes both great and small: Xyu finally tells us how to pronounce his name. Turns out, I'd been confusing him with the Scientology thing. So before you read any further, no, Xyu does not claim divinity. You can read the full interview here
- Jorm, the creator of Nexus War: Jorm was kind enough to sit down with DHG to discuss zombies and the weather. You can read the full interview here
- Murray Jay Suskind, the fourth Papa of the RRF: MJS has a pleasant talk with Lachryma about giant undead lobsters, what's up with the RRF right now, and Yahoomas. This lovely interview can be viewed in its entirety here.
- Bullgod gave the Channel 4 News Team a second, ad hoc interview in December of 2007 when Jon Pyre spotted him outside Fort Perryn. You can read the interview right here.
And that's it for now! This will be updated from time to time with a corresponding update in the "Breaking News" section above. Anyone interested in having an interview for himself is more than welcome to stop by the forums and request it! Special thanks to the News Team corrispondents who gave the interview as well as the zombies who sat down for them. Odin knows it's tough for a zombie to sit still while there are delicious brains about, but dammit, those brains are beneath some of the best kept hair in Malton!
New Template, Hell Yeah!
Some Scotch and nothing much else has produced the following:
| 110px | Channel 4 News Team Affiliate |
| This user or group entered Glorious Battle beside the Channel 4 News Team. There were horses and a man on fire and this user or group killed a guy with a trident. Afterward, we could barely lift our arms because we killed so many zombies. I don't know if you heard us counting. We killed over 1,000. |
Add it to your page, if you like, by writing {{Channel4NewsTeam}} on the wiki (it's case sensitive)! Show everyone how Classy you are! You don't have to be a Channel 4 News Team member to use it, all you've got to do is kill someone with a trident and be an affiliate, which means nothing (that and you've got to want us to get more web traffic).
- Update: I changed the colors around a bit. I think it looks somewhat Classier this way, what with using the original colors from the movie. Also, I changed it so that if you click the links on it while on this page, it will take you to my user page and if you click the links on it while on another page, you will come to this page. Because wiki links to page x which are hosted on page x appear bold, it made the size different and screwed up the image. I fixed that using my cunning. The template above is the same one you'll get if you host it on your page, the links are just different.
- Update: Cyberbob240 and Xoid helped me out some by making it look Classier and websafe. This is the new version.
Also in the news, the zombie apocalypse is still underway. I'm Ron Burgundy. You stay Classy, Malton.
The Channel 4 News Team's Cunning Plan
Showing Perryn Some Panache
Yes, News Team, Scarletwood was overall an easy endeavor. I agree completely. But it served its purpose for all involved! The Angell Building is back up and running, Scarletwood can call itself safe for survivors (to be inches away from Valhalla if they so wish it), and, most importantly... the News Team is back!
Now I know what you're thinking... what now? Scarletwood was looking a bit green for us, and we have never been the types to stay put for very long. I personally contribute that to a combination of a short attention span and scotch, but in any case, we're bored and looking for some adventure. Our prey, the zombies that follow the smell of Desire, have moved on... to Fort Perryn in Whittenside! Now, we've already gotten a chance to show the denizens of Perryn how good we look, but that's not enough. It's high time we drive Wes Mantooth before us accordingly and make Fort Perryn a bastion to be rivaled with!
And then we'll go drinking for two days (re: months) and decide what to do from there. When in Rome.--Codename GT 15:01, 13 November 2007 (UTC)
The Channel 4 News Team's Glorious History
The Formation of a Group
The History of the Channel 4 News Team as a zombie-fighting organization started outside Caiger Mall, during the first siege. Great Odin's Raven, there sure were a lot of zombies out there! But not all hope was lost for Malton's survivors. Take heed, for this was a time before radios, a time when the local anchorman reigned supreme. And in Malton, one anchorman was more man then the rest. His name was Ron Burgundy. He and his devoted News Team were like gods walking amongst mere mortals. Yes, the Channel 4 News Team was the balls.
In Caiger, the fighting was horrible; the Death, Swift and Hideous. Shortly after the battle began, Ron Burgundy offered anyone interested in rejoining the world of the living the opportunity to do so, should they shamble on over to St. Isidore's Church. There, the Channel 4 News Team danced and sang and drank mead with the gods. In this, we were so effective that, as one survivor pointed out, zombies could "enjoy the equal likelihood of a peaceful return to life at the point of a needle or a sharp headshot at the hands of the Channel 4 News Team, led by the most bodacious Ron Burgundy."
Following the first Siege of Caiger Mall, the News Team did what it could to maintain phone connectivity in the Caiger Mall area- but this would not please the Gods, who demanded blood. Therefore, Ron Burgundy locked himself away in his study, scrutinizing his many leather bound books so as to amend Our Cunning Plan such that when in Rome. Unfortunately, as Bob Dylan wrote, "the times, they are a-changin." Wes Mantooth's hatchet men had begun running around Caiger and it looked like the zombies were coming back, this time in the form of a Mall Tour.
What were we to do? Sit there, sick for escape, loathing the strangled horror and butchered, frantic gestures of the dead?![1] Never- and on the contrary, The News Team delights in battle! In short order, the zombies in the Mall Tour were driven before us. So Glorious was this Battle that the Channel 4 News Team followed the Mall Tour's remnants, now calling themselves "The Shining Ones," into Dunell Hills to fight the DHPD.
The News Team Moves Out
I'm told, "the zombie of The Shining Ones likes to eat the brain of the young and the blood drips down to his children for breakfast, lunch and dinner." Dunell Hills ran out of brains and The Shining Ones left before the Channel 4 News Team could arrive in force. There was no Glorious Battle. We were stood up. And we at the Channel 4 News Team didn't like it. What's more, we did something about it- because last time I looked in the dictionary, my name's Ron Burgundy!
So we followed the bastards to Yagoton- and boy, that escalated quickly. I mean, that really got out of hand fast. I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you've got to do when you find yourself in a vicious cockfight. But I digress! Back to the point! Members of the Channel 4 News Team are good at three things: fighting, screwing, and reading The News- and in Yagoton, we engaged in all three of our numerous talents alongside the Classy YRC.
Incidentally, it was after this fight that we first developed our strictly offensive style of fighting- that is, our tendency to look for zombies rather than waiting for them to come to us. Take heed, for we went into Glorious Battle in the name of Odin! What possible use had we for a mall or a suburb? "None," Ron Burgundy dared say! If a place contains no zombies, so too should it contain no zombie hunters. To this day, the Channel 4 News Team has no territorial claims and goes wherever there is Glorious Battle to be found. For a while longer, though, we brought both life and death to the residents of Yagoton, working with the Yagoton Revivification Clinic, on one hand; the angry residents of Yagoton, on the other; and the Malton Rangers, on both.
Events Surrounding the Battle of the Bear Pit
Following our actions in Yagoton, we headed south. Odin delights in Battle. Though there was much Glory in Yagoton, the fight ended. Thus, the opportunity to please Odin passed on- and the Channel 4 News Team finds no happiness in rest. Therefore, we moved on to engage in Glorious Battle elsewhere, preferably with Wes Mantooth. But alas! He seemed to have lost himself in the midst of this zombie apocalypse. Still, he was no doubt skirting the edge of his turf, like always. We knew that Wes wasn't in Barrville. There was nothing for him in Barrville. Wes wanted brains. He'd be in a suburb with survivors. Richmond Hills and Havercroft seemed likely, though they turned out to be completely devoid of life.
Oblivious to this, we of the Channel 4 News Team assumed the worst, armed ourselves to the teeth, and proceeded to show the zombies in Richmond Hills just how good we look- and make no mistake about it, for Malton had been a post-apocalyptic city for nigh on a year, and our suits still made Frank Sinatra look like a hobo. What followed has been immortalized as the Battle of the Bear Pit.
When we entered Richmond Hills and Havercroft, there was not a single barricade standing. When we left, everything was nailed down good and proper! Ackland Mall, which had formerly been home to over 200 zombies, was full of survivors and Odin was pleased. To celebrate this, the Channel 4 News Team bought new suits in Hildebrand Mall. Then, looking even Classier than before, planned to make our moves on the surrounding suburbs. Thus, Hildebrand was to be a springboard to greater things. Unfortnuately, the RRF, DOA, Shining Ones, and Ackland Abattoir had forgotten just how good we looked in our old suits. By the grace of Odin, therefore, we returned to Ackland Mall to remind them! Over the next few weeks, we put a lot of zombie faces through car windshields. One of us even took Dorothy Mantooth out to a nice seafood dinner and never called her again! What followed was the second half of the Battle of the Bear Pit, which resulted in another survivor victory- this time, a decisive one. There were flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we danced until the sun rose. And then our children formed a family band!
All, it seemed, that was left to do was tour the countryside- beginning in Barrville, a suburb almost as dangerous as Havercroft was, way back when we first entered it. Several members of the Channel 4 News Team and our various allies in the New Malton Colossus were already in the area, driving our foes before us as the zombies made a hasty retreat from Ackland Mall. The mood was tense, just as an invasion of Barrville should be! I had been on some serious, serious reports, but nothing quite like this. Petro... Petrosjko was inside right then! I tried to get an interview with him, but they said "Nope, you can't do that, he's a live zombie, he will literally rip your face off." It was a great story, compelling and rich.
A Fall of Sorts
We made some definite progress there, but quickly found it to be a war of attrition. Having no interest in such a fight, we moved into Ridleybank, itself. But many of the locals there were unfriendly. They said, "We bears are a proud race- the Channel 4 News Team must pay for its intrusion!" Just when we were getting ready to send them to Valhalla, we were struck from behind! A new zombie organization, the Big Bash, hit Ackland Mall and our Classy friends there were looking to be in dire straits.
Therefore, we fell back from Barrville and Ridleybank, expecting the Desire outside Ackland to be even greater. Unfortunately, we came too late and, to everyone's shock, it seemed that the survivors in Ackland had only days to live. Our fears were soon realized and, just as we arrived, the mall was ransacked. The News Team suffered heavy losses and split up. Our dead headed off to Yagoton, for a revive, and the survivors fell back to Nichols Mall, in Stanbury Village, which followed in Ackland's footsteps within a few days.
At about this time, things had begun looking bad for survivors and half of Malton was officially "very dangerous" on the suburb map. What was worse, zombies outnumbered Survivors 2:1. To deal with this, the Channel 4 News Team enacted a new phase in Our Cunning Plan. We immediately set about figuring out what to do when one finds himself in a spiritual and existential funk. Normally, we'd buy new suits, but one can't very well wander the streets of a city full of the living dead, looking for a suit store. With nothing better to do, therefore, we went to the zoo and fliped off the monkeys.
The Channel 4 News Team's return to Glory
Unfortunately, all the monkeys in the zoo seemed to be zombified and the place turned out to be a pretty dangerous. So, rather than flipping off the monkeys, we drove them before us in a suitable manner. There were no bears (I believe they hibernate).
When that was over and done, Ed Harken, one of our studio executives, brought us an urgent and horrifying news story! Survivors in South Blythville had been attempting to retake Marven Mall as a foothold in Malton's devastated southwest. The same sort of efforts were underway in Ackland Mall. Both areas had become the centers of reconstruction efforts and the zombies have taken note of that. As such, Wes Mantooth's men redoubled their efforts to destroy both suburbs. We here at the Channel 4 News Team don't much like that- and we were going to do something about it!
Swift and Hideous Deaths were given to the zombies outside the two malls and as go the malls, so go the suburbs. Within a few days, both South Blythville and Havercroft were places of Class and the Channel 4 News Team saw fit to move on. Take heed, for we are Vicious Killers blessed by Odin and have no use for a mall without zombies! Indeed, the zombies of South Blythville and Havercroft had been completely driven before us. A member of the Channel 4 News Team by the name of Furious George reported that he has brought a Swift and Hideous Death to the final zombie standing outside Marven Mall. In fact, the place became so safe that a few survivors took the opportunity to sleep under the stars and have a little woodsy adventure. There were still a good ten standing outside of Ackland, but a mere ten zombies are not nearly enough to satisfy the Gods.
Ten zombies are not even enough to satisfy our own friends and members! Tyler Whitney0, who has been following us for a while, said it best: "Following the Channel 4 News Team is the only way I'm assured to be in worse danger than I can handle." This sort of danger, as Fortuna314 pointed out, "is like being strapped to the underside of a Ferrari; fun with a dash of ohshitoshitohshit." That's exactly the sort of thing we intend to find in the next phase of Our Cunning Plan.
The Battle of Blackmore
With that, we went back to what we were doing before the Big Bash came around- and by Lincoln's beard, Ridleybank turned out to be dangerous! I mean, that place is really, really... well, lets just say, the Good Ship Diversity doesn't sail there often. The zombies in Ridleybank are massive! They look a lot smaller from the safety of Ackland. But, of course, they're just zombies. They've got a brain that's one third the size of ours. It's science.
What came turned out to be quite a battle- there were flutes and trombones, as usual, but there was also a grotesque displays of Desire and various invocations of obscure Norse Gods. Before we attacked Ridleybank, we warned the RRF, "Watch out for the Guns! They'll get ya. The thing is, we have very little time to go to the gym, so we have to sculpt out guns in your suburb." And so began the Battle of the Blackmore! And what a battle it was! In the beginning of things, a third of us were dead at any given moment. As things leveled out, though, we and our allies together numbered over 200, though we were regularly taking on about 300 zombies.
For two months, things went on like this. The RRF and the Feral Undead, the second and third largest zombie groups in the game, respectively, were basically powerless. All our victory lacked was a surrender. The Big Bash, itself, had even announced plans to come to town. The gritty survivors inside the Blackmore Building were, effectively, about to take on nearly every zombie group in Malton. But then, Wes Mantooth reared his ugly head. A new horde, Shacknews, came out of nowhere and broadsided us; they attacked all at once; 9:00 PM. Within a few hours, the Blackmore had fallen.
And what of it? We had our Thermopylae. Over 400 zombies and two months of siege! A battle more Glorious had never been fought. Getting destroyed in our sleep was the only thing disappointing. It made the whole thing feel incomplete. But when in Rome!
That's all well and good, Ron, but how can I join your Righteous Army?
Just write "Channel 4 News Team" in your profile. The Channel 4 News Team is looking for every single Vicious Killer it can get its hands on, so as to better execute Our Cunning Plan. That is to say, we need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you. When this whole zombie thing is over, we should all get an apartment together! Well, that's neither here nor there. Anyway, Zombie Apocalypses, it seems, make all men equal. Membership, therefore, is not restricted to anchormen (though a certain pirate hooker need not apply). Even the lowly, nameless cameraman may join us in Glorious Battle- so long as there are no commercials, no mercy.
