Derby Evening Press/Issue 12

Derby News

Happy Birthday, Hospitallers!

The Derby Hospitallers celebrated their first anniversary this month. September 20th made one year since the Hospitallers' official foundation. To mark the occasion, the Eastern Federation engaged in a few special activities. Hospitaller Tribune James Barnes (editor-in-chief of this newspaper) dispensed small gifts of gold to Derbians on the 21st. He reported that 38 people received gifts, totaling 190 gold coins.

The Hospitaller Consuls, the clan's legislative body, retroactively approved the expenditure, deducting it from the Hospitallers' expenses rather than Barnes' personal funds. This also made it an official Hospitaller action.

The rest of the Eastern Federation participated, as well. Cthulhu, prominent member of the 1st Derby Privateers and the Derby Rangers engaged in a friendly boxing match with Lord Twerpington, spokesman for the Octavius Popebury Memorial Expedition of 1886 in the Derby medical hut. Cthulhu jokingly told Barnes to wait at the Derby Hospital, as Cthulhu expected to need its services shortly. In the end, Cthulhu was correct. Lord Twerpington defeated Cthulhu in a technical knockout.

Ghost Infestations

Derby and York were once very different towns. Derby was famed for its tolerance of all peaceful visitors, with outsiders, natives, and pirates cooperating in defending the medical supply hut from spirits. Now, matters have changed.

In Derby, all natives are gone, and pirates are a rare sight. Spirits plague the medical hut, terrifying all within its walls. When asked about the problem, Tribune James Barnes of the Derby Hospitallers said, "At one time, the average Derbian actively supported our efforts to bring visitors from other cultures to Derby. Now, apathy, or perhaps complacency, has set in. Derbians no longer lift a finger to heal injured shamans or pirates. They do not report the murders of these people to the Privateers.

"We can't be everywhere. There aren't that many people in the Eastern Federation. We have to have help if we're going to maintain our immigrant community. Without the help of the average Derbian, narrow-minded bigots can kill natives and pirates with impunity.

"If Derbians want the spirits purged from the huts, they'll have to take an active role in protecting our visitors. They can help by reporting murders to us (along with the current location of the murderer, should they know it), attacking shaman-killers themselves, or healing wounded visitors."

York, in contrast, once known as the most xenophobic town in Shartak, appears to have gone in the opposite direction. York Coalition member Nighter reports that the Coalition is having an easier time keeping shamans alive in York's borders. He reports that York has as many as three active shamans working to protect the town from ghostly attackers.

Do You Have What It Takes to be Mr. Derby?

The Eastern Federation will be holding a Mr. Derby contest. This contest, open to all Derbian males, will judge contestants on looks, talent, and personality. Females of any region are urgently needed to serve as judges. Contact the Eastern Federation at their forum for more information.

Eastern Federation Recognizes Raktam Court

The Eastern Federation, represented by prominent Derbian James Barnes, recently made an appearance in the summer palace of Queen Blue Hummingbird on the Left, of the Royal Court of Greater Raktam. Barnes' message was simple: given the court's actions since its foundation, the Federation had decided to recognize the court as the legitimate government of Raktam. Barnes, noting the queen's defense of her people, praised her dedication and foresight.

Barnes explained the reasoning behind the decision. "Really, Hummingbird, for all her nationalism, is a relative moderate. You've got groups wanting to drive outsiders into the sea. Hummingbird is at least willing to share the island with us, as long as we don't kill her people or intrude on her lands. That's about all we can ask. In fact, that's what the Federation asks of other towns, too. Given that, we want to encourage moderates among the natives. Attacking a moderate like Hummingbird will only drive the natives to extremes, like the WickSick Headhunters."

International News

Shartak Plagued with the Undead!

A great wave of terror has spread across the island, as dozens of reports stream in, all referring to the same incident. For reasons unexplained, during an entire day, October 31st, animals of all types refused to die. After seemingly being killed by occupants of the island, animals instead simply stood back up and continued their attack, no matter how many times they were beaten to the ground.

Although details are vague, last year around the same time, accounts state a similar event occurrence, although the only animals affected seem to have been deer. We now have confirmed sightings of elephants, wild boars, stags, and monkeys suffering the same condition. However, we are at a complete loss as to an explanation for these strange events.

In addition to this, several new creatures have appeared in the streets of the settlements, sources confirming werewolves and bats. Both animals, when slain, have risen back to their feet, just as the rest of the island's animals have. In the face of these relentless animals, all islanders are advised to remain in the safety of huts until they begin disappearing, as the monstrous beings are extremely dangerous and absolutely unstoppable.

Other strange, but more benign, things have appeared on the island recently, as several people have claimed to find pumpkins. How these have escaped discovery until now is unknown, although we suspect it has something to do with the natives’ usage of gourds as water containers. Nonetheless, these pumpkins have been carved for usage as decorative lamps, as well as juiced to make a highly nutritious drink.

Financial Scare in Durham

The Shartak Bank was once an island-spanning operation. Time has taken its toll on the bank, however. For a time, only a single branch in Durham, by Hideo Inakajimita, remained active. Inakajamita holds thousands of gold coins in deposits from a number of clients. Therefore, when he disappeared recently, panic struck the Bank's clients. The banker's unexplained disappearance led many to question how they could recoup their losses.

For the time being, those concerns have been alleviated. Inakajamita has returned, and he recently sat down with the Derby Evening Press to discuss the bank's current status.

DEP: For a long time, you were the only active banker on Shartak. Now others have joined you. Could you list the names and locations of these bankers, so that our readers can contact them?

HK: We're presently in the process of expanding the bank following the deaths of several former bankers. Poor Justine in Wiksik was eaten by a horde of killer ants while nude sunbathing; Monkeypaw in Dalpok set fire to his pants while performing a religious ceremony to the sun, Kristofer Schanz in Derby mistook a floating coconut for a schooner and disappeared on the high seas, and you don't want to know what happen to Gitboy in York.

The present bankers are myself in Derby, Archbishop Blackburne in York, and Crowjane in Raktam. No GPS co-ordinates sorry, as I sell any GPS units as soon as I get them. My branch is south-west of the trading hut and Crowjane's branch is due east of the summer palace of the Queen fo Raktam. I've not been to Blackburne's abode yet so I can't tell you exactly where it is. The bank now goes by the name "Templar Bank", rather than "Bank of Shartak" or "Imperial Bank of Shartak" to reflect the changes in personnel.

DEP: Your recent disappearance concerned Shartak investors. What steps are you taking to prepare against future disappearances?

HK: Well, I'm giving up absinthe for staters. The opium habit is a little more troublesome.

DEP: Have you consulted with the government of Durham to better protect your clients?

HK: I wasn't aware that our clientele were at risk. Durham was the ideal spot to be when the bank was consolidating itself because it was so quiet.

DEP: I'll clarify. By "at risk", we mean to ask what plans has the bank drawn up to avoid losing its clients' access if the bankers disappear again?

HK: In the event that I decide to catch a slow boat back to my native Japan, I'll be handing over all of the funds to a reputable replacement. I daresay the same applies to the other bankers.

Now, with the bank reviving under a new name, Shartak once again has another amenity of civilization.

The Brotherhood?

Several months ago, the town of Raktam found itself under attack by pirates using guerrilla tactics. These pirates claimed to be in training for a mysterious conflict. This conflict, to the best knowledge of this paper, has yet to occur. Since the battle outside Raktam and the battle at [Archer's] Pool (the real name of the pool is, sadly, unprintable), the Brotherhood's swords have fallen silent. Some of the Brotherhood's members have disappeared back into the jungle, presumably to continue to pursue personal aims, but Rozen, captain, spokesperson, and least drunken member of the Brotherhood, has been seen on the coast, heading in the direction of Durham.

The Brotherhood Of The Coast has yet to undertake a serious millitary advance on any town, but with so many pirates and so much bloodlust, one can't help but wonder who will be next.

Interview with Lexus, Colonial Police Leader

DEP: What are your long-term plans for the CP?

Lexus: It's just about giving people a safe place in York. Membership will expand when awesome people show up; we've changed to invite only. Crimnals... Mostly it's off the record, but we don't do posturing or anything. It's not about apologizing, just about encouraging people to do the right thing. So, if someone wants to stop being a dork they can. If they want to keep being a dork they can.

DEP: You've held contests and other means to stir interest and raise awareness of the CP. Have these been successful?

L: That's pretty obvious, they haven't started yet. Competitions are like the rest of what we do. We provide a service, and people either use it or they don't. Prizes will keep getting bigger 'till someone takes it off us. We're 16th richest group in Shartak, with about a quarter of the members in the top 10. So, probably when it's up to 400-500 GC or something, people will eventually take the money. They're just shy or something. It doesn't particularly worry me.

DEP: What would you consider to be the biggest current problem in York?

L: Dorks. There aren't massive problems in York, and the problems are killed daily by YC/CP/5punk. Most of the problems are outside of York. But general people who speak hyperbole about York like it is something from a Kurt Russell movie haven't been seen in York for ages. They just run around squealing, "omg teh CP are teh nuts!" Look at any recruitment thread we've run.

DEP: What do you think of the current 1CM/CP relations?

L: The 1CM/CP relations are fine. Sam is off doing his thing, we're doing ours, that's all.

Durham Government Formed

In a first for outsiders on Shartak, an official government has formed in Durham. Led by political activist Tomn, the Durhamites held an election at their shaman. The candidates were Tomn, former Pistoleer, Ron Burgundy, and Mill Wilkinson, founder of the Greenwolves clan.

In what Tomn later admitted to be a botched election...no one was elected. The three candidates all received votes, with a few people voting "no" to a government, and a fairly large number of people voting "yes" to a government without specifying a candidate.

Without a clear winner, the candidates agreed not to elect a governor, instead creating a power-sharing agreement by which the three would rule jointly as Consuls. This is similar to the Derby Hospitallers' governing system, although the Hospitallers add an executive office, that of Tribune. It is unclear if the Durhamites took their inspiration from the Hospitallers or the Romans, who used two consuls.

The Government According to Tomn

The government, as explained by Tomn, offers certain benefits to its citizens, but also requires that they carry out certain obligations. The benefits seem to fall into two categories: a role in government and physical protection. Citizens are given the right to vote and hold office. Also, they are assured of the government's protection. Should a citizen be killed, the government will pursue the killer. If a clan is responsible for the citizen's death, the government will approach that clan to make reparations.

The obligations, Tomn admits, are as yet poorly defined. The only real obligations thus far are to refrain from killing (Tomn failed to specify how far-reaching this ban on killing was) and to avoid embarrassing Durham by taking advantage of its protection in other cities. He did also mention a taxation system being set up at some point in the future, although it is not clear what the other Consuls think of this.

Burgundy's Durham

For his part, Ron Burgundy did not respond to the DEP's questions in a public area. However, his platform is detailed in his press releases. It is listed below

1. a three lane highway connecting Durham and Derby. 2. A standing army for Durham. 3. A legislative body in which any Durham citizen level 2 or above can directly vote for policies. 4. A casino and boxing league. 5. A policy of noninterference with the Independent Republic of Fort Creedy. 6. an Immigration Office inwhich anyone can become a citizen of Durham for free.

Mill Wilkinson has not published his views. Rather, he seems to be the deciding vote in the Durham government. From our observations of the workings of the government, Burgundy and Tomn seem to disagree frequently, leaving Wilkinson to cast the deciding vote.

Next issue, we publish the objections of the Durham government's vocal opponent, Blauvelt.

Retraction

In its commitment to fair and accurate reporting, the DEP will correct any significant errors made in its articles. Per this policy, we wish to correct certain inaccuracies in our last issue concerning the Queen of Raktam, Blue Hummingbird. We stated that the queen was a former WickSick Headhunter. In response, both Foo Fighter of the WickSick Headhunters and Queen Hummingbird herself protested that this was not the case. Hummingbird participated in a single WickSick event, which was open to the public. That was the extent of her involvement. The DEP thanks its readers for helping us maintain our pursuit of truth.