The Battle of the Crazy Falls

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Scroll.PNG This is a historical article, describing a past event or events that occurred on Shartak.

The Battle of the Crazy Falls occurred in December 2008, between a wide variety of combatants.

Background to the Battle

With natives seeing images of the skygods dancing in the shimmering foam, and outsiders claiming the waterfall’s torrent could fuel a daguerreotype plate photographic machine, the waterfall was a venue for a real-time battle on Saturday 13 December '08. A purse of 5000 gold coins was on offer to the individual who was able to slay the most number of enemy combatants.


Armed forces of a diverse range of interests, including the Greater Shartak Unification Coalition, the Royal Court of Greater Raktam (lead by its warlord, Jace Daskull), the Kingdom of Skulls, the 1st Colonial Militia, The French, and others totaling around 25 people assembled at the upper ledge and base of the waterfall over a period of days. An armistice was in place before the battle began.

The battle followed a prolonged period of fierce fighting in Raktam, Wiksik and on the Durham peninsula between the GSUC and the Royal Court of Greater Raktam and the Kingdom of Skulls and their respective allies, and so tensions were stretched in the lead-up to the melee.


There was also controversy as the exact start-time. Prior to the battle, Rex Feral, in his pursuit to fulfill his Vatican contract, used the opportunity of the ceasefire to assassinate a GSUC agent and erstwhile Empress of the Three Lands, Dappled Shadow, whereas a native fighter, Quest, unwittingly broke the armistice due to a misunderstanding on the start-time and was disqualified.

Preemptive Strike by GSUC and the Wrath of the Ancestors

Frustrated by several unprovoked murders of their members during the armistice, the GSUC decided to engage the native opposition during the armistice, striking down eleven native fighters five hours before the battle was scheduled to begin.

This assault caused a strange, otherworldly force to intervene. Known to natives and outsiders alike as "the Spirits of the Ancestors", these ancient mystical forces miraculously restored the killed natives to full health, and leading GSUC members participating in the battle were incinerated by "unexpected bolts of lightning." A Kingdom of Skulls functionary, Cheesesteak, was quoted immediately after the unexpected ethereal intervention as saying, "Verily, the Ancestors hath smited down the wicked, and restored the wrongfully killed! Praise the Ancestors!”

With the leading GSUC fighters reduced to charcoal, the Battle of the Crazy Falls was easily decided in favor of the assembled native forces who now regard the falls as sacred native territory.


Honourable kills

  • AlexanderRM killed chunk5000
  • Milkchew killed Spookey69
  • Traveller killed Bahl
  • AlexanderRM killed Birf
  • Ropata killed Von Walt
  • Eyes of a Hawk killed Dr. Awkward.
  • Twiglet killed Justice Hart of York.
  • Eyes of a Hawk killed Shovelly Joe.
  • Eyes of a Hawk killed Drahken.
  • Twiglet killed Pirate Jane.
  • Frodor killed Ibn al Xuffasch.
  • Frodor killed ThunderGod.
  • Birf kills Iwashere (the only legitimate outsider kill).
  • Frodor killed Baron Robert Surcouf (friendly fire).

Disqualified kills (kills during armistice)

  • Dick Cheney killed Traveller.
  • Dick Cheney killed Iwashere.
  • Dick Cheney killed Wambayak.
  • A giant parakeet killed Frodor.
  • Dr. Awkward killed Vercingetorix
  • A giant parakeet killed Ropata
  • A giant parakeet killed Jesus
  • A giant parakeet killed Jace Daskull
  • A giant parakeet killed Daigo Smash
  • A giant parakeet killed AlexanderRM
  • A giant parakeet killed Eyes of a Hawk
  • Drahken killed John the Baptist
  • Magellan killed Stan666
  • Rex Feral killed Stan666
  • Rex Feral killed Dappled Shadow
  • Quest killed De La Coiffe
  • Quest killed Captain Crowley
  • Quest killed Batman

Kills from on-high

  • A giant parakeet collapsed to the ground, burnt to a crisp by an unexpected bolt of lightning. (2008-12-13 19:01)
  • Dick Cheney collapsed to the ground, burnt to a crisp by an unexpected bolt of lightning. (2008-12-13 19:02)

Champion of the Battle

The winner of the 5000 gold coin purse was Eyes of a Hawk, a member of the Kingdom of Skulls.


Baron Surcouf said in the aftermath of the battle, "I think there should be no winners in this battle, if we are going to rename the battlefield, it should be with a name to indicate our collective shame as a group, our shame that real life human beings would resort to treachery... Perhaps, we should call the waterfall "Shame Falls" and the reward money should all be cast into the sea".