The York Times, issue 2

THE YORK TIMES ISSUE TWO

Secret Cult Surfaces in York, Worship Owl.

A secret cult has surfaced from York, worshipping a great stone owl that lies on the edge of the great settlement. Followers in cloaks and feathered headdresses all bow down to the great owl god, offering gold and mangos to their deity. I have snuck into a meeting of these strange cultists...

A policeman whose name may rhyme with 'Bold Lackdonald' was seen chanting by the owl statue. Perhaps he is the leader?

'Bold Lackdonald': "Oh, great owl statue! I have come to offer my gold to beg mercy upon my poor soul! May you peck out the eyes of our enemies, the - -------- -------!" (The name of the group has been censored to protect the innocent.)

This chanting soon led to a ritual sacrifice, where the owl cult lit incense and began to drag a pirate towards the statue. After chaining down the pirate, they poured a bucket-full of crabs upon him, and it was a sorry sight. So much pinching!

Soon afterwords, they had a feast of roast parrot and the blood of native children, of which I was invited to join in. Being a vegetarian, I made an excuse and made a narrow escape, returning to my hut in York, where I pondered the confusing events of the day.

Parrot Attacks York, War is Declared.

In a strange turn of events, a parrot swooped down on a York citizen, whose name will be withheld, starting a war that has been predicted "Will be the biggest one ever, so STFU noob."

Serious Sam, 1st Colonial Militia leader, will begin operations to wage battles on the animal kingdom outside in the jungles of York. 400 outsiders are expected to die in the war against the brutal parrots, so be expecting a shortage of able soldiers around.

The Malice opens daycare, celebrations follow.

Last sunday, The Malice made a decision to open up Shartak's first and only daycare, which he claims is a great way to make money. The daycare provies:

1. Lessons taught by the former Mercenary himself! Let him teach your kids how to drink rum, smoke a hookah, and swing a machete like a madman. He swears your children will learn a LOT.

2. Daily fieldtrips, including raids on York twice a month.

3. Swimming at the beach, which seems to only be The Malice throwing children into the water and laughing a bit.

4. The daycare is actually an opium den. Have fun!

Random 'facts' article!

Did you know that..........

Whenever Otacon speaks, a kitten dies.

Lutheran is really the Pope.

Iced mochachinos cause leprosy.

Serious Sam pwns you, so STFU noob.

Marco was arrested for an illegal marijuana crop.

7/10 people who visit York are raped to death by wild boars.

Zeff killed a pirate with a mere glance

Big brother is watching you.

Kjendlie is married to a giant squid, and has sworn death upon the Kraken Hunters.

Lama is a spam-bot who wants Dalpok to sink into the ocean.

Keiichi is a figment of your imagination.

Mill Wilkinson is a known terrorist who is linked to the Fourth Battle of York.

Now another...COOKING WITH KJENDLIE.

Keiichi: "So, yet again, I have Kjendlie here with me, where he will be showing us how to cook a meal...without poison this time, I hope."

Kjendlie: "that's right Keiichi, I'm back on my medicine and no more crazy juice for me. I'll be showing you all out there how to cook a baby."

Keiichi: "A BABY?! What kind of crazy maniac are you, anyhow?!"

Kjendlie: "Oops, what I meant to say is a steamed vegetable platter...yeah..."

Keiichi: "Whew...scared me there for a minute..."

Kjendlie: "Did you know witches can't see dogs?"

Keiichi: "What would make you assume that? And for what reason would you even say that? I'm writing a cooking article for The York Times!"

Kjendlie: "Witches really can't see dogs. And the onions? They're plotting to take over the Colonial Police!"

Keiichi: *backing away* "Uhhhh...you're not really on your medicine OR your still drinking turpentine. Which one is it?"

Kjendlie: "Both, actually. And I got some stuff from Marco."

Keiichi: "I'm outta here, man..."