Durham Utility

Durham Utility|-style="background-color: #c3ddc3; text-align: center;"		In-game page
Leadership:	DarkFerret
Members:	Varying with contracts and tiger attacks
Goals:	Profit, profit, and perhaps a game of croquet in the afternoon
Recruitment policy:	Able bodied people not expecting to collect their pensions
Contact:	Forum, talk page, in person, or send your death threats to darkferret@techie.com

The Master Declares

Humble citizenry of Durham, our city was once the safest and most advanced of the colonies. It still is, but not because we are well off but that we are still a colony. The Nationalist believe they can free us through political might. All that will do is remove us of our protected rights to marry our cousins instead of the scary amputee. We would still need to import the relatively technologically advanced glass, now coated with tariffs. Thus we need to buy our independence before we can achieve our freedom. --Darkferret 09:34, 1 April 2007 (UTC)

The Agenda

While conquering the Island is the ultimate goal, we need to pace ourselves and build an army* first.

Education: If our children are to grow up to be effective soldiers, we must ensure that they get an expensive but good education to compete with outsourcing natives. Our first project is to build an academe modeled on DarkFerret's wife and cousin/halftwin sister Janet Grey's idea and add a ticket booth to it. Whether it's paid for by contract from more charitable organisations, individual tuition, or scholarships, the service provided will be superior to that of any other school on the Island, guaranteed.**

Recycling With the possibility of losing our cheap glass, metal, and anachronistic technology, it is important that we don't throw everything away. While we thought of hiring someone to pick up everything we drop, the sight of piles of trash in the street are starting to remind us of home a bit too much. So now we are going to hire some undertakers in the off season to dig holes for our clients to drop their trash in and bury. Another team will dig it up and collect it and take it away to a landfill where we don't have to look at it anymore.***

EMS Because not everyone was there for the traveling first aid course and people buzzed on beer, rum, and toad secretions forget to bring their kits with them into the jungle, there is a need for an EMS. Our ambulances(people with stretchers and very loud birds strapped to their heads)charge nominal prices calculated by distance from a dispatch post, urgency, availability, and the price of first aid kits and/or herbs. Discounts are available to anyone who can provide precise coordinates so we have less trouble finding you. No other EMS service on the Island will guarantee delivery in less than 30 hours or it's free.****

Armoury With the main police force built on firearms an armoury is essential to Durham development. So few citizens are willing to make the hike to Fort Creedy, so Durham Utility is bringing the guns here. For prices competitive with that Dick trader you can receive a shipment of rifles that could fill the Dutch arsenal twice over. Also available is target practice at our firing range with live targets.*****

Summer Camp Since it's apparent that children are sleeping in the academe due to heat exhaustion and dull subject matter, it is time we introduce them to real exertion and send them off on an expedition into the steaming jungles so they can experience all the wonderful wildlife and strange diseases that they haven't bothered to go outside and take in. A long daily hike, many dangerous animal encounters, and some food experimentation with possibly toxic vegetation will round off a typical day of excitement at Shartak Summer Camp. Many fun activities we'll experience will include juicing, head collecting, torso collecting, more hiking, fighting other students, mountain climbing, river rafting, crochet, more hiking, squeegeeing sweat into bottles, tiger skinning, forest destruction, bathroom breaks, more hiking, fire building, target practice, desecration of native artifacts and temples, giving gold to the camp director, ghost stories, ghost hunting, more hiking, viking reenactments, mindless killing of anything that moves, taxidermy, treasure hunts, hands on first aid training, sexual experimentation, more hiking, falling down liquid consumption, tent construction, trading, and Saturday safaris. Our qualified counselors will ensure the safety of your child, guaranteed? ******

• Army may or may not walk on its stomach.
  • Guarantee is refunded by inferior instructor.
    • Any reports of garbage leaching into the water table and giving everyone cholera are purely libelous slander.
      • Guarantee is refunded by inferior paramedic.
        • Durham Utility will not reimburse parents for any deaths or injuries received as part of gun safety week nor is responsible for any spontaneous duals. Rifle shipment may not fill Dutch arsenal once over. Bullets sold separately.
          • Durham Utility is not accountable for any deaths or injuries received while attending Shartak Summer Camp, be it animal attack, untied shoelaces, disease, food poisoning, strangers with candy, dehydration, burns and/or incineration, starvation, STDs, very nasty nettle rashes, formaldehyde consumption, angry pirates, rifle malfunction, falls from great heights, failure to conform to native customs, glitch, shargle eggs, crochet tangling, excessively long lists, tie dye ingestion, Arthur Lines, ghosts, cannibalism, pyromania, static electricity, drowning, suicide, or native capture and head removal. Obese children may or may not be eaten when rations run out. Guarantee is refunded by inferior counselor.

Employee Conduct

We here at Durham Utility respect our employee's customs and wont engage in explicitly coercive tactics of breaking down their cultural identities.

When you show up to work, please wash all blood, face paints, and berry juice from your hands, face, and uniform. If you are not issued a uniform, the work clothes from your last colonist can be substituted. Although we rather you not, loincloths and nose bones are acceptable on casual Fridays.

Employees found in possession of herbs, darts, and poison berries will and must be reported.

Although it was funny the first few times, blowpipes and darting upper management are now prohibited.

Please do not bring your pet poisonous snakes to work.

Please do not bring your scalps, hands, and torsos to work.

Please do not feed the birds.

Please do not give your coworkers crabs.

Please do not perform 'spirit dances' except during festivals and picnics.

Spirit multiplicity or 'zerging' is not allowed in any two or more employees.

Please refrain from killing unaggressive Durham citizens and scare away potential clients.

Please refrain from PDA in the workplace unless married or Dutch.

Please wait until after your shift before you consume 'falling down liquid.'

Please wait until after your shift before you consume your coworkers.

Do not eat our products.

Do not eat our clients.

Do not eat DarkFerret's personal office furnishings.