The York Times, issue 3

This is the third issue of The York Times! Now with some actual news!

Interview with Old Macdonald!

Keiichi: First of all, what is it like to be the Captain of the Colonial Police?

Mac: Difficult at sometimes, boring at others and truly amazing in different ways. I’m not Captain anymore, so it’s nice to get away from the scum.

Keiichi: Does York have a bright future?

Mac: York is unpredictable. I have a prediction but I’ll keep it to myself, for now.

Keiichi: What sort of threat does that 1st Colonial Militia impose?

Mac: Who? Oh, them. They don’t hurt, but they can certainly make your ears sting with their large fascist mouths.

Keiichi: Rum or wine?

Mac: REAL MEN DRINK RUM, YARR!

Keiichi: Any thoughts of getting the old Colonial Police headquarters back?

Mac: Ask my successor, Lexus. If I was going to take it I would have to raise an army of 30+.

Keiichi: Why do you tax pirates? Do you regret doing so?

Mac: No, the question should be “Why did you tax pirates?” I only taxed them during the raid for 2gc. The money went to supplies for the CP, and Sam calls it “corrupt” .

Keiichi: Could you consider letting me be in second-in-command of the Colonial Police? I have been around longer than most of your officers, and my bravado is legendary. I am a tactician!

Mac: Don’t you owe 500+ GC to the bank? It won’t look pretty if a second-in-command had his legs broken by a debt collector.

Keiichi: Keiichi or Otacon? Choose one!

Mac: Keiichi, because he has an IQ over 3.

Keiichi: Lastly, do you read The York Times? If so, what's your favorite article?

Mac: Yes I do read The York Times and my favourite article will be this one because I’m in it!

Another interview...with Blue Hummingbird!

Keiichi: I'd like to know what you were doing before becoming Queen of Raktam.

Blue Hummingbird: We were undergoing a rite of passage to reign, as directed by the soothsayed concurrence of the pink-tinged lunar eclipse and ochre fragrant blossoms carried by the warm spring breeze, laden with the scents of crystal waterfall spray and golden honeyed milk. This was a heavenly sign from Our ancestors to ceremonially consume with bared eyeteeth and carved nail the courage of the pallid invaders by the physical manifestation of their crimson hearts. Only when We presently consumed the chambers of the bravest of them, known as Guildmaster, did the churning cerulean skies rumble with the approval and satisfaction of the sacred sentinels-in-the-clouds, intangible in form but stalking the mists of the sky with a low-slung eye to the verdant jungle and a spectral eye to the stars and quintessence, and We nodded knowing our anointment was completed. With that, We returned to our homeland and assumed the carved amethyst throne of Raktam.

Ascension was a mystical rite which We do not expect non-believers or outsiders to comprehend with their limited spiritual sensorium, eyes shut open and ears cocked deaf.

Keiichi: How difficult has it been assuming power in Raktam? Has there been anybody wishing to steal it away? If so, who?

Blue Hummingbird: We do not assume power. We accept the love of the Raktami. And so love cannot be stolen: it can only be won, and to the honour and love of the Raktami We assume the stance of the Hooded Scorpion, the three pronged sacrifice of personal defense for the greater good of the people. Thus We lead the Host of the Crown to victory against the pirate scourge and built a cairn of their heads, for the love of the Raktami.

For those who do not accept Our love, such as Nihlia the Sceptic, We do not scorn them, but are ever patient that they be brought within the fold of the wings of Our love, beating as fast and as industriously as Our namesake.

Keiichi: Do you have any plans in the future to expand your rule to other villages/settlements?

Blue Hummingbird: We plan to establish two or three regional provinces with satraps, but the details of this have not been formalized. One will certainly be to the north to the ruins, one to the west encompassing the Pirates' Graveyard, and possibly one to the south at the lakes, depending upon our Wiksik cousins' views on this. (Our model of government is miraculously akin to pre-Alexandrian Assyrian or Persian, thus our propensity for both satraps and stone monoliths.) All proposed provinces lie within the region of Greater Raktam. Each satrap will be responsible for security in his or her province.

We have nothing but solidarity with our cousins in Wiksik and Dalpok - and in fact presently seek a warlord to lead an expeditionary force to assist the Dalpoki in the next, forthcoming battle with the stinky buccaneers.

Keiichi: Are outsiders welcome in your Royal Court?

Blue Hummingbird: Outsiders have been welcome. We consider Our Court to be cosmopolitan. We welcome peaceful traders and We welcome ambassadors from other lands. Storytellers are very welcome and the best are rewarded with gold. It depends upon the purpose of the visit. Foreign mercenaries seeking employment of the Court are particularly welcome. We have roles for them, outside Our lands.

Keiichi: Is there a king of Raktam? If so, who is it?

Blue Hummingbird: There is a Crown Prince. His identity will be revealed in time.

Keiichi: How many people serve you?

Blue Hummingbird: No one serves us. We only seek the love of the Raktami, most often expressed through favours to the Crown, such as the activities of our armed Host, and especially through storytelling. Our favourite bard thus far has been Azuma of the Dalpoki. He spins a good yarn.

Keiichi: Lastly, I would like to know if you read The York Times. If so, what's your favorite article?

Blue Hummingbird: We're afraid We only do the crossword.

Serious Sam 'fever' sweeps Shartak!

These days, you can hardly be in Shartak without hearing about Serious Sam. He has long been the hero of York children, and his greatness cannot be compared to anybody else! I predict in the upcoming months, we will be seeing more things concerning him...including his own line of consumer products, for the first time in Shartak!

The Serious Sam fact book: A book concerning all the facts of Sam. This is the first edition of said book. Go here to read it!

Serious Sam action figures!: For ten gold coins, you can buy a Serious Sam action figure that comes with a rifle, machete, and has ten catchphrases such as...

• "STFU, NOOB."
• "Step down now and save some of what little dignity you now have and save your officers from being slaughtered by my men. I haven't even begun to crush you. "
• "I like pink frilly dresses!"

Serious Sam poster: A poster of York's favorite military leader, in blue, red, and hot pink.

Be expecting this madness in the near future.

Voting being held in Durham, NOBODY CARES.

A voting process is being held in Durham, for the elections of the new governor/leader/dancing banana. However, when other people were asked about how they felt about the voting, a negative response was received.

York: Durham is still around? Let's hurry up and invade! They've got like, atomic parrot bombs over there or something. It'll be for a good cause!

Derby: I'm so high right now! Man, pass those cupcakes. My hands are like, so BIG right now. Who knew I had five fingers on each hand? Whooaaaa...

Durham: I'm in Durham right now? Oh, that must be why I'm on fire and being kicked in the groin by a elephant. Durham sure sucks.

Shipwreck: The pirates were drunk and making out with each other. I made a hasty escape!

Raktam: Armadox killed the reporter. Oops...

Wiksik: I thought we took all of their heads. Time for another hunt!

Dalpok: Nobody lives in Dalpok. It is a figment of your imagination.

Random facts!

Big Brother is still watching.

If you come across a pirate, don't move. They detect by movement.

Serious Sam is the reincarnation of Lu Bu.

RobZombie actually plays pop music.

Lutheran has Gymnophobia.

-insert funny stuff here-

The York Times is made of hemp

The mangos are out to get you!

I owe 500 GC to the bank.

STFU again, noob.