The york times

This newspaper will be used to discuss all of the things concerning York and all of Shartak, and *some* of it may contain slightly biased thoughts...

1st Colonial Miltia tease Colonial Police, ends in tears.

Earlier this month, the 1st Colonial Miltia's leader, Serious Sam, was seen teasing Old Macdonald of the Colonial Police. Witnesses say that Serious Sam used such a brutal array of words such as "Leave York or I'll kill you, rawrrr......" and "Your face is so ugly that it looks like you could be mistaken as Keiichi" and even as far as to say "Your mother is a kraken!" Old Macdonald burst into tears, and fled the area, too afraid to face another verbal beatdown. One secret Colonial Police member recalls trying to calm the police captain down.

SCP: "Yeah, I remember it quite well. Mac was sitting in his room, crying and saying everybody hates him and he was going to run away and join the circus. Oh, and he kept on calling Serious Sam a 'mean old bully'. I could only get him out of the room by saying there was a pirate to tax. Thank god for crooked police forces."

One can only hope that the situations in York improve.

Armadox the Butcher: crazed murderer or a friendly marmalade maker?

Many people know Armadox as an insane serial killer, who is often regarded as the "Butcher of Raktam". But is he really? Many witnesses report that Armadox makes, and distributes, mango marmalade and other related mango products. Other claim that Armadox chopped off their limbs, or stole their children from the cribs in which they slept. Also, Armadox has been linked to a few tavern fires, which I consider only to be purely fictional--no matter how many public claims he has made to setting the fires. So, you can decide for yourself. Is Armadox a friendly neighborhood marmalade salesman, or a mass murderer who may be after your face?

Robzombie: Not really a zombie after all!

Some of us know Robzombie as a "totally brutal person", but there is a shocking secret! Robzombie is NOT really a zombie! Witnesses report seeing him act like a normal human would, such as breathing, drinking large amounts of rum, and LIVING! This scandal has outraged many of the citizens of Derby and all of Shartak alike, and I predict a large mob will demand that Robzombie change his name to Rob "wanna-be" Zombie. In a related issue, Cthulhu was found guilty of causing mass madness to the public, and will be expected to show up in court.

FirstAmongDaves is found out to be crossdresser, many disappointed.

FirstAmongDaves, famous for starting and running the 1st Shartak Bank, has found out to be a crossdresser, his alias? Blue Hummingbird! Last tuesday night, at the Royal Raktam Court, many were shocked when Blue Hummingbird announced "Im a guy." The subjects of the Royal Court were too disgusted to speak, and one strange fellow burst into tears, muttering something about his "sexy fantasy". It is unsure if the subjects still follow Blue Hummingbird, but Daves really is the 'Queen' of Raktam.

And now, it is time for something I like to call...

COOKING WITH KJENDLIE

Where Kjendlie shows us how to make a tasty meal!

Keiichi: "So, Kjendlie, what will you be making today?"

Kjendlie: "Tasty berry pie, that sounds good, right?"

Keiichi: "It sure does!"

Kjendlie: "Well, too bad! Bauer is watching me, I know he is...."

Keiichi: "Uhhh...what?"

Kjendlie: "THE TREES TALK TO ME! THEY TELL ME TO DRINK THE SPIRIT JUICE AND TO SEE INTO THE NEXT REALM!"

Keiichi: "Okay...calm down, man..."

Kjendlie: *thrusts a kitchen knife at Keiichi* "Your about to see something red..."

Keiichi: "Ahhh! Don't kill me!"

Kjendlie pulls a pie off the counter and cuts it open, offering Keiichi a slice: "Redberry pie."

Keiichi: "Oh, thank god..." *Eats a slice, and falls over.*

Kjendlie: "Made with poison, you idiot! Hahaha!"