The Tower Of Death

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Captain Edwards and The Tower Of Death is a popular Shartak published novel, given in instalments. The currently published parts of volume I are displayed below. There has been a slight delay in printing, because trained monkeys (suspect: Zeff) have run off with the printing press. Every effort is being made by the Privateers and JRG to recover it.

Part 1 of Capt. Edwards and the Tower of DEATH!!!!

"What do you know about Bauer?"

"Kjendlie, seriously you need to relax with this whole CTU organization."

"Nighter, how could you even say that? He is trying to dissolve the CP and make all our hard work null and void. He is trying to destroy us and everything we stand for!"

The pair sat in Czechy's infamous backroom. Smoke and alcohol clouded the air in the cramped inner chamber. A single oil lamp lit the room as Nighter stared across the table to his friend.

"Bauer just wants to help. I've talked to the guy, KJ. He's on the level."

Kjendlie just stood up and left. Nighter finished his ale alone.

Meanwhile, at the base of MT. Shartak...

Capt. Michael Edwards awoke to the glint of a machete, about to cut his head off. He barely rolled out of the way as the weapon dropped. He wobbled to his feet and wobbled some more as he got his bearings. He saw a beautiful native woman standing across from him.

"I must confess, if I was to die I'd love it to be by those beautiful bosoms."

"Opttk Dack Hjkt Ajth Iut Attck Plut!" Shouted the woman.

"Whoa now, I said IF!!!" The woman charged at Edwards. He was ready, however, and ran to her left and took out an empty bottle, smashing it over her head and knocking her out cold. "Hate to kill lovely ladies," Edwards mumbled. He took her weapons and sat down on a nearby rock. He fished a bottle of rum from his pack and drank it down with a sigh.

It had been a month, a month from when Patch disappared and Edwards went out looking for him, leaving Rozen to hold down the wreck.

Edwards drank some more Rum.


Tribune Barnes' office was backlogged with hundreds of files. He always tried to keep it neat, but with such a forward moving city like Derby, it's hard to keep up. He heard a knock on the door and Rob Zombie entered the office.

"Hey, Rob."

Rob sat in the guest chair and lit a pipe. "Hey James, just came by to finish up any needed work for the new court system. Oh! That and we finally killed that Wiksik raiding party that's been harassing traders."

"Good, Rob. Yeah, the courts system is just about finished. All we need is..." CRAAAAAAAAAAACK RUUUUUUUUUUUUMBLE!!!!!!!

The whole office was knocked down as a huge earthquake rocked Derby.

"Everyone okay? Rob, you still alive?"

"DAMN!!! My pipe's broke!!!" yelled Rob as he stood up from the rubble. Standing up, he looked out onto the sea and saw what looked like a huge black rift in the horizon. "What the hell is up with that?" mumbled Rob.

"ames was facing opposite of Rob and surveyed the town for anyone needing medical treatment. He looked north, and the color drained from his face.

"Rob, look up north!!"

"Hey James, what do you make of this? ...James?" Rob turned around and saw James running to the hospital to get more supplies. "James, where you going?"

Rob's eyes wandered more north to see 30 1st Derby Privateers drawing up a firing line behind some fencing. He looked past them and swore under his breath.

300 Wiksik warriors came charging towards Derby, swinging machetes and wailing shrill warcries.

Rob placed the broken pipe into his mouth and tried to light it, forgetting it was broken. He let it drop and simply remarked, "Isn't this just the best damn day to be alive..."


If he had cared. Kjendlie would have noticed a small tremor underneath his feet as he walked to the 1st Colonial Militia's headquaters. He did, however, step over some shit near the doorway successfully.

The inside of the building was adorned with various propaganda posters, (THE ONLY GOOD PIRATE IS A DEAD PIRATE!!) (AGAINEST YORK? FOR PIRATES!!) Militia flags and wanted posters.

One poster is particular was of Michael Edwards. It looked like it was used as a dartboard. Another was of Rozen, drawn with fake glases and beard. Nobody was in the front room, so Kjendlie yelled for Sam.

"Back here!" came the gruff voice.

Kjendlie walked into the backroom of the headquaters and saw Serious Sam sitting at a table, surrounded by rifles, ammo, and machetes. On what little table space was left, Sam cut a mango into bite sizes.

"Sam... Nighter's not with us, any more."

"Went with that pansy Bauer?" snorted Sam.

"Yeah. We need to clear out the bad blood around here. You in?" Whispered Kjendlie.

"KJ, anyone who doesn't side with us doesn't side with York. Anyone who doesn't side with York sides with the pirates, and all pirates need to die," Sam said as he ate some more mango.

"Good. Tonight then, Sam." Kjendlie turned and left.


Edwards was naked. He was naked underneath the summit's waterfall. He had trekked all the way up the mountain and saw no sign of Patch. Or of anyone, really. Upon arriving at the falls and realizing he hadn't bathed in months, Edwards decided to enjoy a swim.

As he enjoyed the cool water he felt a violent after-shock from the earthquake. He got out of the water to survey any damages. Seeing none, he muttered, "Nothing at all up here."

He dove back into the water, and then he saw a glint in the corner of his eye from behind the falls. He swam to it and found a small nook behind the falls with a shrine holding the most pristine gold and jeweled plate he ever saw.

He took it and swam over to his belongings, stuffing the plate into his pack.

"Least I'm not leaving empty handed." He fished another bottle of rum out and began drinking.


Edwards was starled by the crackle and sprung out of the water, grabing his cutlass. From his left he could see a dark figure drop from the treeline.

"Damn preverts... ZEFF, IS THAT YOU?" No response.

"Well, then," grumbled Edwards, "guess someone's picking a fight with a naked pirate. Perv."


"Steady, men..."





                     IIII *thud*


Rob had sweat dripping down his face as he shouted out the thrid volley of rifle fire. He knelt down and reloaded his rifle. No matter how many times they fired, the Natives would still keep coming. Rob readied himself for the next volley. They were still far enough away, he guessed.


Than the natives split like waves and dove into the thick jungle, as if they were never there.

"They're turning back! We've won!!" shouted a hopeful man down the line.

Rob, however, had a bad feeling in his gut. He had been in enough battles to know something wasn't quite right.

"Hold the line men!" He yelled

"Capt, we beat them!!" sounded the same voice. Rob saw him stand up.

Rob, still kneeling, turned his head to him. "Hold the line! That's an order!!"

"Listen, you may be the captain but don't think you're so..."


A dart flew straight into and out of his head. The corpse fell with a dull thud. Soon, a whole storm of venom-tipped darts screamed out of the jungle, felling any one unlucky enough to stop it.

"RETREAT!!!! RETREAT! FIND COVER!!!!!" shouted Rob as a Corporal near him fell, hit in the chest. Rob grabbed him by the collar and began dragging him to the hospital.

James and other Hospitallers were already treating wounded hit by the darts in and out of the hospital. As the Privateers retreated from their first defensive line, other Hospitallers shot covering fire.

Rob dragged the Corporal over to James. He began to apply first aid on the spot as darts flew threw the air. Rob ran into a woodshed near them, where other Privateers had taken shelter. He looked out the broken window and saw that the natives were forming up for another charge. There were less of them. Some staying in the jungle, no doubt, to rain more darts.

Rob brought his rifle up to his face and looked down the sights, yelling, "FIRE AT WILL!!!" The message spread like wildfire in Derby.


Edwards charged at the dark figure in all his naked glory. The figure too charged at Edwards, albeit slower. The two came face-to-face and locked blades. Edwards could see that it was a native. An old man.

"What the hell ya bothering me for, old timer?" grunted Edwards. The old man was stronger than he looked.

All the old man did was cackle that same annoying laugh as he shifted his weight, making Edwards trip and fall into mud. He turned to Edwards to deal the finishing blow.

But Edwards was resoruceful and tackled him from all fours, throwing the old man to the ground. Edwards was on top of him: naked, muddy...and pissed off. He began punching the man over and over again in the face. Blood flew until finally Edwards heard,

"Please stop...please stop...PLEASE!!!!" shouted the man

Edwards halted and asked, "You speak my language?" The old man nodded meekly.


The night air was humid as Nighter and Sam walked side by side. "Sam, why'd KJ call a meeting all the way out here?" asked Nighter. "KJ doesn't feel the backroom is safe anymore. Simple as that," Sam grunted. They walked in silence the rest of the way.

As they approached Nighter could hear moaning. Not the good sexy time moaning either. More like the "help, I'm dying or hurt badly" moan.

Nighter, standing in front of Sam, pushed some foliage back to reveal a horrific sight.

Bauer was collapsed on the ground, his arms tied behind a tree. He looked beaten and bloody. Kjendlie stood over him, holding a rifle.

"Again, WHAT INFOMATION HAVE YOU GIVEN TO OUR ENEMIES?!!" "... ..." Kjendlie slammed the butt of the rifle into Bauer's shoulder. "BAUER!!" "Screw...SCREW YOU KJ!" Bauer yelled out.

Nighter was shocked. "What the hell are you doing, KJ?!!" Kjendlie turned around and looked straight at Nighter. "Protecting York. We must ensure that no traitor every crosses us again."

He extended the rifle to Nighter. "Execute this traitor for crimes against York. Prove your worth."

"No, Kjendlie."

"Do it Nighter. Do it".


"THEN I'LL DO IT MYSELF!!" Kjendlie swung the rifle around to Bauer and pulled the trigger...

BANG (Note: Extra-big)

“What...Kjendlie...what have you done?”

Nighter looked at a horrific sight. Kjendlie stood over Bauer’s corpse. His whole front was splattered in Bauer’s blood.


Nighter stared at the corpse. He could have sworn he saw a glow from the corpse.

Kjendlie turned to Sam and nodded.

Suddenly Nighter realized that this was to be a purge of all “traitors”.

Like lighting, Nighter jammed his machete’s hilt into Sam’s gut, knocking him down. Kjendlie, however, still had a bullet left. As Nighter made a break for it, he fired...


Edwards dressed himself as the old man tried to free himself from his vine rope bindings.

Edwards walked over to him and kicked him in the gut.

"What the hell you bother me on my swim for?!!"

“You stole my plate... Me wonderful plate!!!! Give it back now!!!” shouted the man

Edwards looked over to who he thought was a native, but realized he was in fact a European with a heavy tan.

“Old guy, where the hell did you come from?”

“Me?...a geez...I got thrown off a merchant boat twenty years ago for molesting the captains daughter…Now give me my plate back!!! IT’S THE KEY!!! THE KEY TO MAKE ALL THE NATIVE WOMEN WANT TO MAKE SEXY WITH ME!!!”

Edwards just shook his head at the old man’s ramblings and began his descent back to the jungle and his search for Patch...


“CHARGE!!!” yelled Rob, waving a blood-soaked cutlass in the air.

The whole town of Derby moved like a wave of blades against the natives. Rifles wouldn’t work any more, as the natives were too close, so Rob and his men resorted to more visceral means.

Rob was soaked in native blood as he fought hand-to-hand against hundreds of natives. He used a pirate's cutlass given to him by his brother Rozen.

As the fighting pushed the natives out, Rob ordered his men to begin firing again. As the natives ran back into the jungle, they were chased by good old-fashioned lead.

The battle for Derby had been won. Rob looked around at the remaining carnage. As James and his mean treated one solider to the next, others were moving headless corpses to be buried.

“CAPT. ZOMBIE!!! WE GOT ONE !!” shouted a familiar voice. Rob turned to see Elegost running up to him. Elegost stopped to catch his breath, and then looked up and smiled. “We caught a native still alive.”


Capt. Edwards walked steadiliy in the jungle. He was examining the beautiful gold plate he “stole” from the perverted old man on MT. shartak. He held up to the jungle treetops and watched as the broken light shined its beauty on it.

“Hm... Maybe this really can make all the native women love me,” he chuckled to himself.

Than he got hit in the head with a rock.

“WHO IN THE BLOODY BLAZES!!!” yelled Edwards.

He looked around and saw the native woman he knocked out from before, holding a handful of stones. “What the hell!! You don’t even have a weapon anymore!!!” The women simply shouted “ATTK!” Five huge Warriors emerged from the jungle, brandishing blades. “Hello, chaps... This your sister?” The natives simply grunted...


Nighter ran for his life. He moved slower, however, due to the horrific pain in his leg. Kjendlie had landed a shot into his thigh. He had to get away he had to tell people what had happened. He knew that if…if he could just make it to Derby, he would be safe...hopefully. He ran some more before collapsing from exhaustion.

Sam was examining a trail of splattered blood from Nighter's wound. “KJ, we can follow him pretty easy.” Kjendlie was busy digging a hole for Bauer’s body. He grunted his approval. “Sam, we go back to york. Get some more men and supplies, then we follow him. Sam, we need to kill him before he talks.” Sam grunted as he grabbed Bauer’s body and threw it into Kjendlie’s freshly dug grave.


Rob and James stood in a small hut. A native was tied up sitting on the floor. Elegost stood in the doorway. “We caught him while the natives were running away. He got shot in the leg and we picked him up easy. Be careful, he is WickSick.” Rob turned to Elegost. “Yeah, all the natives were from Wiksik.” James, however, piped up. “WickSick and Wiksik are different. Elegost means this native is a crazed headhunter.” Rob grunted. “Not so mighty now, is he? James, ask him what his friends were doing today.” James translated. The native spat on the ground. He needed no words. “Not talking, Rob.” Responded James Rob moved closer to the native. “Ask him again, James.” Rob then dug his muddy boot right into the native's gunshot wound. “HEATKA TOAJ TKKKA THAKK!!! HEATKA TOAJ TKKKA THAKK!!! HEATKA TOAJ TKKKA THAKK!!!” the native shouted. “Heads for the tower, heads for the tower... That’s all he is saying, Rob,” responded James.

Part 2


Issue 16
Head of CP Kjendlie vows to uncover truth

Sam tossed the paper onto his desk.

"Damn KJ these Reporters move fast."

Kjenlie was standing across from him staring at a map of Shartak.

"He'll be moving to Derby, best bet for him..." said Kjenlie. "Sam you take a garrison of men and patrol the highway to derby. Anyone asks tell them your looking for Bauer. I'll take a squad into the jungle. If neither of us find him we'll blockade Derby as a last resort."

"KJ don't you think that's a bit over kill?"

"Sam if any one makes a stink we'll use Bauer's disappearance as a scape goat. We are seaching for him after all."

Sam just chuckled.


Rob stood outside enjoying his new pipe he bought. Derbymen ran from area to area asseasing damages and helping wounded. He yawned from sleep depravation. James emerged from a nearby hut and walked over to Rob.

"What do you think the native means?" he asked rob "What prompted a WickSick headhunter invasion... That and what does heads for the towel, sorry tower I mean?"

"Hell if I know James, could just be ramblings...they are WickSick."

"Yeah Rob...just...just something doesn't feel right at all about this. First an earthquake, first in ages, then a mass invasion of Natives... They've never attacked en mass like that before."

Rob turned to James. "Follow me...we need to talk alone."

Rob headed to the shore and James followed.

Native Village

"I swear I wasn't goin touch her!!" shouted Captian Edwards from his bamboo cage.

The natives dragged him to their village and locked him up. Now they stood around a huge bonfire chanting. The native guarding Edwards simply grunted.

Edwards fished a bottle of Rum out of his coat pocket. The natives hadn't searched him too well and didn't find his rum or the knife he kept in his boot. If he could he would wait till nightfall to escape.


Edwards turned to see a Native shaman emerge from the jungle. It was weird to see two Shaman's in the same village but he guessed one must have been roaming.

As the roaming shaman chanted louder and louder a bright light engulfed his body. Edwards stared in wonderment of the ritual.


Nighter looked up at the Island treetops. His clothes were muddy and blood soaked. He tried to move many times now, but he was just too tired. He closed his eyes and heard a soft clicking noise.


"Not bad...for a pirate, You hit the damn thing square between the eyes..."

"It's from working with you guys, the skills rub off on me a bit. should we go down and help him?"

"Nah, I'll send a few FAKS near him. We need to head off to Durham anyway, Let all the yorkers kill each other."

With that the two figures disappeared into the jungle.

A few hundred yards away Nighter woke to the sound of a gunshot. He awoke to see a tiger laying beside him, its head was blown off. Nighter hobbled to his feet and continued his trek to Derby. Then he tripped and fell on his face. Nighter looked to his feet to see a stack of FAKS.

Thirty miles south of Nighter's position stood Kjendlie and his troops. Kjendlie sat on a stump while two of his men interrogated passing Native traders. One spoke Native while the other held down the native, bashing his head against a tree every time he wouldn't answer.

"CAPTAIN KJ!! He don't know anything!"

Kjendlie had his back turned to the whole scene. "Ask him again" he simply muttered.

Again the interrogater went threw the motions.

"Nothing captain!" the interrogator shouted.

Kjendlie simply stood up and walked up to the battered native. He than gouged a knife into the native's side, dug it 5 deep inches.

The native shrieked in terror and pain and began shaking violently, still being held by the second interrogator.

Kjendlie simply muttered " Ask again"



The interrogator did as he was told. The native shreiked the same reply he had been giving.

Kjendlie simply pulled the knife from out of the native's side. took it in his hand...

And stabbed the native over and over again in the gut.

As blood splattered on him, Kjendlie kept shouting. "WHERE ARE YOU?! WHERE ARE YOU?!"


"What is it Rob?"

"I'm not sure exactly what... I do think it appeared during the earthquake... But that's it."

The Duo of James and Rob stood on the Derby shoreline staring off into the horizon at a huge black... thing.

"What do you suggest we do? asked Rob. "Search teams?"

"That's are best bet I think right now." answered James. "We'll assemble them shortly, after Derby gets stabilized."

Rob nodded his head.

Native Village

Edwards awoke to nothing. No cage. No natives. No freaky glowing shaman. Just nothing. He searched the desolate camp for his pack. After finding it, he searched it for anything missing.

"Damn it." he muttered. "They stole the last of my rum."

He looked around and remembered the night before. All the freaky things he saw.

"No way he could be there" mumbled Edwards. "But, what other leads do I have?"

Edwards soon got his bearings and began trekking to Derby.

Derby Evening Press Issue 7

Strange monolith discovered off derby coast
Tribune Barnes promises expedition

Editions of the press blew about derby in the afternoon wind. Rob was sitting in the makeshift Headquaters with James and a few others plotting the course to which the "monolith". It was decided that 15 men led by Rob would leave the next day to explore whatever was actually going on. Some final details were being worked out before Rob turned in for the night.

"I can't help but feel that something bad is going to happen out there." grumbled James. "Its all just too weird."

"Well, I'll find out in about two days if were doomed or not, James." joked Rob as he drank some rum.



A dozen bullets ripped into the jungle. Some dug deep into a fleeing natives back. Others were shot straight through their heads. The corpses landed with a dull thud. In a matter of minutes the native trader's camp was desolate.

"What now captian Kjendlie?"

Kjendlie looked over the carnage and wished that every dead body was Nighter. "Burn it all down."

The men set about the task, and flames began to lap up every ounce of wood, flesh and carbon an extreme heat began to radiate from all around Kjendlie and he liked it.


Kjendlie turned to receive the envoy.

Near Tower of Death

Miles away Edwards was coming up on the southern shore. A few more feet and he would see the ocean. Instead he saw a huge Black-as-night spine jutting out of the sea.

"Damn Bauer, you weren't kidding about a tower of death." muttered Edwards. He stood in awe of its evil.

Then Edwards heard some growling. He turned and saw five tigers behind him. They were looking at him as a man looks at a hamburger or his favorite meal.

"Hellooooo chaps!" He exclaimed.

"Come on men! Only been walking for a day!" shouted Rob as his men hobbled a few feet behind him.

The closest recruit piped up. "Where are we heading again sir?"

"We're following the southern coast until we get close enough to that tower thing. Then we storm its beach head and explore it!!"

The force cheered behind Rob at this proclamation.

"CAPTAIN! SOMETHING IN THE BUSH!" a recruit pointed out in the back.

There was something rustling in the wild. It was coming closer to the road and was big enough for worry.

"Don't worry men!" shouted Rob as he brought his rifle to bear. He aimed for the rustle and fired.



"Really I couldn't tell!" mumbled Rob as he grabbed some FAKS and went into the bush to see the damage he didn't mean to cause.


"All i'm seeing is a dead tiger." Mumbled Kjendlie.

"Well it's more than just that KJ. See this tiger was killed by gunshot. And look over here, spent FAKS. KJ, I think we're on Nighter's trail, close to him." exclaimed Sam.

Kjendlie merely kept looking around with a malaise. "Why are you wasting my time with if's and maybe's? DO YOU NEED ME HERE?"

"KJ, I just thought you might like to know."


"I guess not, KJ." said Sam.


Sam hesitated. "NO, KJ I DIDN'T NEED YOU. SORRY!"

"Good, remember that Sam, don't send your damn lackey's unless Nighter is beaten to a bloody pulp!"

Kjendlie turned and walked off his men followed after, Sam ground his boot into the tiger's corpse.

PIRATE SHANK SUPER SPECIAL ATTACK!!!! shouted Edwards as he dug his cutlass deep into a tiger's gut and than in one swift motion sliced it in half. (A 10% effective skill which brings about instant death with no XP gain)

He turned to face the remaining tigers and produced from his pack a bottle of rum.

As the tigers charged him, Edwards finished guzzling the alcohol down. He then struck a match and placed it in front of his mouth, and by spewing 10 foot white-hot flames onto the tigers, burned them to death and a crisp. (A 20% effective skill which damages all characters on the same sqaure and is dependant on rum stock)

Edwards burped a little an mumbled. "Hate using the Secret pirate-uber-mouth-flame-spewer-deluxe version. Waste of good rum."

He turned back out to the sea and stared at the onyx Spinal tower of death. Than he began his march into the Sea.

If you have been offended by use of your character in The Tower Of Death then grow up. It's a work of fiction inspired by true life events (well, true Shartak events). The Tower Of Death first came on sale during the flocking of visitors to Midway Island, also called Ry'leh.