Difference between revisions of "The York Times, issue 2"
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A secret cult has surfaced from York, worshipping a great stone owl that lies on the edge of the great settlement. Followers in cloaks and feathered headdresses all bow down to the great owl god, offering gold and mangos to their deity. I have snuck into a meeting of these strange cultists........ | A secret cult has surfaced from York, worshipping a great stone owl that lies on the edge of the great settlement. Followers in cloaks and feathered headdresses all bow down to the great owl god, offering gold and mangos to their deity. I have snuck into a meeting of these strange cultists........ | ||
| − | A policeman whose name may rhyme with 'Bold Lackdonald.' | + | A policeman whose name may rhyme with 'Bold Lackdonald.' was seen chanting by the owl statue. Perhaps he is the leader? |
| − | ( | + | 'Bold Lackdonald': "Oh, great owl statue! I have come to offer my gold to beg mercy upon my poor soul! May you peck out the eyes of our enemies, the - -------- -------!" (The name of the group has been censored to protect the innocent.) |
| + | |||
| + | This chanting soon led to a ritual sacrifice, where the owl cult lit incense and began to drag a pirate towards the statue. After chaining down the pirate, they poured a bucket-full of crabs upon him, and it was a sorry sight. So much pinching! | ||
| + | |||
| + | Soon afterwords, they had a feast of roast parrot and the blood of native children, of which I was invited to join in. Being a vegetarian, I made an excuse and made a narrow escape, returning to my hut in York, where I pondered the confusing events of the day. | ||
| + | --------------------------------------------------------------------- | ||
| + | Parrot attacks York, war is declared. | ||
| + | |||
| + | In a strange turn of events, a parrot swooped down on a York citizen, whose name will be withheld, starting a war that has been predicted "Will be the biggest one ever, so STFU noob." | ||
| + | |||
| + | Serious Sam, 1st Colonial Militia leader, will begin operations to wage battles on the animal kingdom outside in the jungles of York. 400 outsiders are expected to die in the war against the brutal parrots, so be expecting a shortage of able soldiers around. | ||
| + | --------------------------------------------------------------------- | ||
| + | The Malice opens daycare, celebrations follow. | ||
| + | |||
| + | Last sunday, The Malice made a decision to open up Shartak's first and only daycare, which he claims is a great way to make money. The daycare provies............ | ||
| + | |||
| + | 1. Lessons taught by the former Mercenary himself! Let him teach your kids how to drink rum, smoke a hookah, and swing a machete like a madman. He swears your children will learn a LOT. | ||
| + | |||
| + | 2. Daily fieldtrips, including raids on York twice a month. | ||
| + | |||
| + | 3. Swimming at the beach, which seems to only be The Malice throwing children into the water and laughing a bit. | ||
| + | |||
| + | 4. The daycare is actually an opium den. Have fun! | ||
| + | --------------------------------------------------------------------- | ||
Revision as of 12:56, 4 September 2007
THE YORK TIMES ISSUE TWO
Secret cult surfaces in York, worship owl.
A secret cult has surfaced from York, worshipping a great stone owl that lies on the edge of the great settlement. Followers in cloaks and feathered headdresses all bow down to the great owl god, offering gold and mangos to their deity. I have snuck into a meeting of these strange cultists........
A policeman whose name may rhyme with 'Bold Lackdonald.' was seen chanting by the owl statue. Perhaps he is the leader?
'Bold Lackdonald': "Oh, great owl statue! I have come to offer my gold to beg mercy upon my poor soul! May you peck out the eyes of our enemies, the - -------- -------!" (The name of the group has been censored to protect the innocent.)
This chanting soon led to a ritual sacrifice, where the owl cult lit incense and began to drag a pirate towards the statue. After chaining down the pirate, they poured a bucket-full of crabs upon him, and it was a sorry sight. So much pinching!
Soon afterwords, they had a feast of roast parrot and the blood of native children, of which I was invited to join in. Being a vegetarian, I made an excuse and made a narrow escape, returning to my hut in York, where I pondered the confusing events of the day.
Parrot attacks York, war is declared.
In a strange turn of events, a parrot swooped down on a York citizen, whose name will be withheld, starting a war that has been predicted "Will be the biggest one ever, so STFU noob."
Serious Sam, 1st Colonial Militia leader, will begin operations to wage battles on the animal kingdom outside in the jungles of York. 400 outsiders are expected to die in the war against the brutal parrots, so be expecting a shortage of able soldiers around.
The Malice opens daycare, celebrations follow.
Last sunday, The Malice made a decision to open up Shartak's first and only daycare, which he claims is a great way to make money. The daycare provies............
1. Lessons taught by the former Mercenary himself! Let him teach your kids how to drink rum, smoke a hookah, and swing a machete like a madman. He swears your children will learn a LOT.
2. Daily fieldtrips, including raids on York twice a month.
3. Swimming at the beach, which seems to only be The Malice throwing children into the water and laughing a bit.
4. The daycare is actually an opium den. Have fun!
