Durham Utility

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Durham Utility|-style="background-color: #c3ddc3; text-align: center;" In-game page
Leadership: DarkFerret (Edward Grey)
Members: Varying with contracts and tiger attacks
Goals: Profit, profit, and perhaps a game of croquet in the afternoon
Recruitment policy: Able bodied people not expecting to collect their pensions
Contact: Forum, talk page, in person, or send your death threats to darkferret@techie.com

Grey's Declaration

Durham citizenry, our age is dawning. Too long have we been dwarfed by York's might and tailing the advancements of Derby. We have been suffering the disappointments of new governments and unimaginative institutions. The eradication of finger sickness has opened Durham's greatest strength. Durham has business to utilise and Utility to do so. -Edward Grey


While conquering the Island is the ultimate goal, we need to pace ourselves and build an army* first.


If our children are to grow up to be effective soldiers, we must ensure that they get an expensive but thorough education to compete with outsourcing natives. Our first project is to build an academe modelled on Edward Grey's wife and cousin/halftwin sister Janet Grey's idea and add a ticket booth to it. Whether it's paid for by contract from more charitable organisations, individual tuition, or scholarships, the service provided will be superior to that of any other school on the Island, guaranteed.**

Utility Bank

One thing we forgot to bring to Shartak is bankers. (We did forget to bring those, right?) In order to finance other projects by Durham Utility as well as other groups through loans Utility Bank provides services not offered by other banks. To supplement interest, monetary and mental, Utility Bank has fruit machines and gaming parrots in most branches as well as national lotteries. Utility Bank accounts may also be used for instant payment of Durham Utility services and contracts so we may start work immediately.***


Because not everyone was there for the travelling first aid course and people buzzed on beer, rum, and toad secretions forget to bring their kits with them into the jungle, there is a need for an EMS. Our ambulances(people with stretchers and very loud birds strapped to their heads)charge nominal prices calculated by distance from a dispatch post, urgency, availability, and the price of first aid kits and/or herbs. Discounts are available to anyone who can provide precise coordinates so we have less trouble finding you. No other EMS service on the Island will guarantee delivery in less than 30 hours or it's free.****

Durham Expressway

The usual route pirates follow to trade with Durham is long and goes through unfriendly native and York territory. Durham Expressway will connect Durham, the shipwreck, and Derby directly without routing through Dalpok or York.*****

Summer Camp

Since it's apparent that children are sleeping in the academe due to heat exhaustion and dull subject matter, it is time we introduce them to real exertion and send them off on an expedition into the steaming jungles so they can experience all the wonderful wildlife and strange diseases that they haven't bothered to go outside and take in. A long daily hike, many dangerous animal encounters, and some food experimentation with possibly toxic vegetation will round off a typical day of excitement at Shartak Summer Camp. Many fun activities we'll experience will include juicing, head collecting, torso collecting, more hiking, fighting other students, mountain climbing, river rafting, crochet, more hiking, squeegeeing sweat into bottles, tiger skinning, forest destruction, bathroom breaks, more hiking, fire building, target practice, desecration of native artefacts and temples, giving gold to the camp director, ghost stories, ghost hunting, more hiking, viking reenactments, mindless killing of anything that moves, taxidermy, treasure hunts, hands on first aid training, sexual experimentation, more hiking, falling down liquid consumption, tent construction, trading, and Saturday safaris. Our qualified counsellors will ensure the safety of your child, guaranteed? ******

  • Army may or may not walk on its stomach.
    • Guarantee is refunded by inferior instructor.
      • Utility Bank will not reimburse those who mistake a gaming parrot for a teller.
        • Guarantee is refunded by inferior paramedic.
          • Durham Expressway is a toll/subscription based programme to maintain an unusual path. Guarantee is refunded by inferior porter.
            • Durham Utility is not accountable for any deaths or injuries received while attending Shartak Summer Camp, be it animal attack, untied shoelaces, disease, food poisoning, strangers with candy, dehydration, burns and/or incineration, starvation, STDs, very nasty nettle rashes, formaldehyde consumption, angry pirates, rifle malfunction, falls from great heights, failure to conform to native customs, glitch, shargle eggs, crochet tangling, excessively long lists, tie dye ingestion, Arthur Lines, ghosts, cannibalism, pyromania, static electricity, drowning, suicide, or native capture and head removal. Obese children may or may not be eaten when rations run out. Guarantee is refunded by inferior counsellor.

Employee Conduct

We here at Durham Utility respect our employee's customs and wont engage in explicitly coercive tactics of breaking down their cultural identities.

When you show up to work, please wash all blood, face paints, and berry juice from your hands, face, and uniform. If you are not issued a uniform, the work clothes from your last colonist can be substituted. Although we rather you not, loincloths and nose bones are acceptable on casual Fridays.

Employees found in possession of herbs, darts, and poison berries will and must be reported.

Although it was funny the first few times, blowpipes and darting upper management are now prohibited.

Please do not bring your pet poisonous snakes to work.

Please do not bring your scalps, hands, and torsos to work.

Please do not feed the birds.

Please do not give your coworkers crabs.

Please do not perform 'spirit dances' except during festivals and picnics.

Spirit multiplicity or 'zerging' is not allowed in any two or more employees.

Please refrain from killing unaggressive Durham citizens, scaring away potential clients.

Please refrain from PDA in the workplace unless married or Dutch.

Please wait until after your shift before you consume 'falling down liquid.'

Please wait until after your shift before you consume your coworkers.

Please wait until after your shift before you are consumed by tigers.

Do not eat our products.

Do not eat our clients.

Do not eat Edward Grey's personal office furnishings.