Derby Evening Press/Issue 06

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Derby News

Captain Robzombie and some of his friends during the trial.

Rob Zombie on Trial

Prominent Derbian Rob Zombie, Captain of the 1st Derby Privateers, is to appear before the Derby Court. Captain Zombie is reportedly to be tried for overstepping his authority. Prosecutor James Barnes charges that Capt. Zombie used excessive force against Lutheran, leader of the Shartak Protestant League. Many in the Eastern Federation regard this trial as evidence that the Derby Court is independent of the Federation's control. Observers across the southern coast are likely to observe this test of Shartak's first justice system with interest.

Derby Lecture Series Begins

James' notes, taken while he was sleeping.

Derby continued its march towards becoming the cultural capital of Shartak today. James Barnes, Tribune of the Derby Hospitallers began the Derby Lecture Series with his speech, "Law and Order: The Case for Codified Law in Derby." Tribune Barnes acknowledged the limitations that Shartak's current system of semi-vigilante justice presents, and offered his solution for the problem. Barnes suggested a written, publicly displayed set of laws to be voted on by the population of Derby. A transcript of Tribune Barnes's speech can be found here. The next lecture will take place on May 15, as Captain Michael Edwards of The Jolly Roger Gang presents his speech, "Every Town is an Island."

Derby Expatriate Community Grows

Some of the native shamans entering Derby's outlands.

Derby appears to be acquiring a reputation for tolerance among Shartakians of all stripes. Natives, pirates, and outsiders continue to make Derby their home away from home. All three groups can be found peacefully coexisting in the Derby Hospital and the Derby medical supplies hut. Experts suspect that this tolerance was initially the result of enlightened self-interest, as Derbians realized native shamans could exorcise the spirits plaguing them. For this reason, the Derby Hospitallers have employed a member of the Sentinels for several months now.

However, this tolerance continues to grow. Several natives have been spotted visiting the Derby medical hut for extended periods, prompting Simon, the discoverer of Shartak, to remark that it resembled a native village. One member of the Sentinels commented that he felt safer in Derby than in Raktam. Rill, the founder of the Sentinels, noted that the last person to kill him later apologized.

In addition, the Eastern Federation continues to attract non-Derbians to its ranks. The Derby Hospitallers employ a pirate, a Yorkman, and a Durhamite. The 1st Derby Privateers employ three pirates and a Yorkman. Apparently, Derby's reputation for sophistication and civilization is spreading throughout Shartak.

Shaman Murdered in Derby Medical Hut

Regrettably, not everyone has adjusted to this new trend. A peaceful Raktamite shaman known only as Quest was tragically cut down today in the Derby medical hut. However, two different people were heard reproving the murderer. Presumably, the murderer is used to the more barbaric practices in certain other towns. We can only hope that the murderer has seen the error of his ways. Tribune James Barnes has issued a public apology to Quest for the actions of the anonymous Derbian.


The Derby Babe, Greta Van Hausen.

BabeWatch is a new series, focusing on putting faces to the names of our more prominent female Shartakians. This may seem like a cheap attempt to cater to the overwhelmingly male population of Shartak. However, the Derby Evening Press wishes to assure its readers that this is actually an effort to further empower the female portion of Shartak's population. This week, new DEP team member Javier Sortani interviews Derby Privateer Greta Van Hausen.

Q: So, Greta--can I call you Greta?--congratulations! The first ever Babe of Derby! First question is easy. How does it feel?

A: "I'm rather flattered, I suppose, though I noticed there's not a lot of girls on this island so maybe the pickin's are slim. Not sure what to say here - not often I get noticed for my ladylike qualities."

Q: So, Greta, can you clear something up for me? By all reports you're a Derbian, yet you seem to have rather a thing for rum and cutlasses. Do you have some pirate in you somewhere?

A: Arr, that me do. Turned pirate when I was sixteen, probably the best professional someone like me could get. Enjoyed it for quite a few years, plunderin' and drinkin' - 'til we came around this island, looking to settle a score with some other pirates, and pissed off the wrong fleet. A Derbian frigate captured the ship, I was captured. They told me I could either go back to Europe and face the rope, or I could pick up a gun and help defend the colony. It was undermanned, you see - didn't expect so many dangerous natives and animals. Obviously, I decided not to hang, and here I am. Still can't say I don't miss the old days, though. matey.

Q: Exciting stuff! So, if you were governess of Derby for one day, what would be your first official act?

A: That's a tough one...I'd probably get some huts up on that island we have south of the colony and convert it into a boatyard. We'd use those boats to take us about all of Shartak. Probably build up our sea superiority just in case York ever does go berserk and try to take us on - they have the numbers otherwise. Second act would be to make Tom start stocking rum, instead of that watered-down, flavourless, practically nonalcaholic pisswater he calls beer.

Q: Awesome. I'd definitely support the second one. What's your favorite thing to do in your free time? Drinking contests? Sharpening your cutlasses? Dancing and long walks on the beach?

A: Me favourite things to do were pretty normal for pirate life and probably can't be printed in a respectable newspaper. But my favourite thing to do on this island is probably to swim. I love swimming, in a pond, in a lake, in a sea, in an ocean. Day, night, warm, cold, clothed or nude. You haven't lived until you've swam with sharks in the dead of night with nothing but a knife.

Q: Awesome. My kinda gal. So, pick one: Tom Failur or The Malice.

A:I'd love to get five minutes alone in a room with The Malice. I have a lot of respect for the roadworkers on this island and I don't take kindly to people killing them.

Q: Okay, two more questions. First, what do you think about the state of pirate/outsider/native affairs on Shartak, and... oh. I got my questions from the debates between Nathan Hale and the Pistoleers mixed up with my questions for you. My bad. That would explain some of the questions I asked Nathan, though. His look was priceless. Anyway, since it's still a decent question, can I get a brief comment from you on that?

A: Ha ha! I haven't seen much of the island since I came here, so I can't speak for sure. From what I've seen in Derby, pirates and colonists seem to get along just fine, and natives are welcomed if they don't make trouble. From what I've heard, though, that's different in other places. York hates everyone, but even meeting someone out in the jungle, well, I wouldn't suggest you make camp with someone you don't know.

Q: Sound advice. Okay, last question--what are you doing Friday night?

A: Errrr...I'm walking around the island at the moment, so I suppose I'll be either camping on the beach or out for a evening swim...why do you ask?

Q: Haha, no reason. Thank you, Greta, you've been wonderful.

International News

Dork Cup Continues

One of the many intense fights in the Dork Cup.

The town of York is once again suffering rampant bloodshed. The WickSick Headhunters, as reported last issue, are sponsoring a contest, with York as the unhappy host. The contest, called the Dork Cup, is the last in the Headhunters First Annual Winter Games. The first, for those new to the island, was the Durham Headhunt Contest, and the second was our own bloody Derby Derby. The contestants' collective goal is to amass as many Yorkish heads as possible. The contestant with the most heads will win a heavy sword and 1500 gold coins.

The Dork Cup is unique among the competitions in attracting outsiders as contestants. Both previous contests were open to anyone not from the host settlement, as is the Dork Cup. However, until now, the outsider community had maintained a sense of solidarity against the headhunter threat. However, when the Dork Cup was declared, pirates and mercenaries threw in their lot with the headhunters, doubtless as a result of York's longstanding intolerance for both groups.

Statistics for Dork Cup

In its effort to provide useful news to all readers, the Derby Evening Press has compiled a rough estimate of the scores for the Dork Cup. It should be noted that these scores were compiled over the course of two days, beginning on April 30 and ending on May 1st.

As of May 1st, the contestants had amassed 151 York kills at the contest's midpoint. By comparison, the Durham Headhunt Contest resulted in 75 Durhamites beheaded in one month, while the Derby Derby resulted in the loss of 137 Derbian lives in one month. However, it should be noted that the number of contestants is almost twice as large, and York's more central location may also play a part in the increased losses.

The contest's clear leader, with 19 heads, is the enigmatic Escariot. In contrast to most of the contestants, who brag about their kills publicly, Escariot has remained largely silent, elminating his victims with an unnerving silence. Second place was Lama, a well known headhunter, with 15 kills. Wambayak was a close third with 14 heads added to his belt.

So how are the defenders doing? The defenders had amassed 48 contestant kills in two weeks. Again, for the sake of comparison, the Durham Defense Unit eliminated 25 headhunters during the entire DHC, while the Eastern Federation and its allies inflicted 61 losses during the one month Derby Derby. It should be noted that one contestant, the notorious serial killer Armadox, has actually assisted in the defense with his indiscriminate murder. Armadox has killed three contestants, who were not included in this tally.

York Coalition Founded

Several men from the York Coalition waiting by the jungle.

Faced with the massive threat of roughly two dozen people trying to kill them, the majority of York's defenders have joined together to respond. The group, calling itself the York Coalition, is an umbrella group not dissimilar to our own Eastern Federation.

The members include representatives of the 1st Colonial Militia, the remnants of the CCTU, and some former Colonial Policemen. Other members include two Derby Hospitallers (both former CP members) and Mr. Bungle, one of the few known operatives of the shadowy Order of Patriots. Mr. Bungle had this to say about the new organization.

"The York Coalition is made up of several pro-York citizens from across Shartak. Their goal is to protect the fair city from criminals and invaders, and have no further political or military agenda. It's still in its infancy, but the savagery of the York Cup has been an excellent proving ground."

Our sources indicate that the York Coalition has thus far been fairly cohesive, as the members work to defend their home from the massive external threat. However, we have also received reports of disagreements within the Coalition over various policies. This is to be expected for a group drawn from such disparate elements.

However, the DEP editorial staff cannot help but wonder if the fledgling alliance will be able to withstand the tests of peace as well as war. It is easy to keep egos and disagreements in perspective while the wolves bay at the gates. Once the headhunters have disappeared back into the jungle for the last time, will these disagreement erupt into hostilities? Or will the York Coalition maintain the necessary wisdom and perspective to hold together? If so, York may be on the road to peace and prosperity, something it has not had since the Third Battle of York. If not, then York may descend back into the hatred and bloodshed that has been its unfortunate lot recently.

York Coalition Members

1st Colonial Militia-The 1CM has been active in York politics since the Third Battle of York, when its fiery leader, Serious Sam, left the Pirate Hunters to take a more proactive approach. The 1CM put up a respectable fight during the Fourth Battle of York, but its commander's tendency toward hard-line stances is legendary in outsider politics. Defenders in Dork Cup: 2. Logged contestant kills: 1. It should be noted that 1CM leader Serious Sam reports at least three contestant kills that were not logged. Regrettably, we have no way of proving or disproving this.

Former CCTU- The Colonial Counter Terrorist Unit was a law enforcement agency. The CCTU was unique in that it spanned across the southern coast, with branches in every outsider town. Its leader, Bauer, is a respected tactician, known for coordinating effective counterattacks on the Mercenary's Guild during the Fourth Battle of York. However, the CCTU disbanded due to Bauer's discouragement concerning accusations by Colonial Police leader Kjendlie. Though his former agents are a vital cog in the York defense, it is unclear how willing Bauer will be to take a leadership role in the new York Coalition. Defenders in Dork Cup: 4. Logged contestant kills: 20.

Former CP-Three former Colonial Policemen have joined the York Coalition. Interestingly, all three left due to disputes with Colonial Police leadership. Two of these former Colonial Policemen are now members of the Derby Hospitallers. The last, Nighter, is the official founder of the York Coalition and is respected for his moderate viewpoints. Defenders in Dork Cup: 3. Logged contestant kills: 13.

The Order of Patriots-This shadowy secret society has been a presence in York politics since the Second Battle of York. Respected by its allies and feared by its enemies, the Order has produced effects far larger than its ostensibly small size would indicate. The OoP is particularly well-known for its uncanny intelligence and reconnaissance capabilities. Defenders in Dork Cup: 2. Logged contestant kills: 5.

Colonial Police Dying?

As reported last issue, the Colonial Police were recently evicted from their long-time HQ in York by the relatively unknown organization known as "The Colon Police." However, this is only the latest in a series of reversals for the CP.

The Colonial Police's decline in fortunes began around the time of the Fourth Battle of York. Upset with the behavior of the CP leadership, one ally after another departed. First, the 1st Derby Privateers ended their alliance with the CP. The Derby Hospitallers left soon after. At about the same time, long time CP officer Nighter left, reportedly angered by the behavior of the CP leadership.

Most puzzling of all was the curious animosity that CP leader Kjendlie held towards the CCTU and its founder Bauer. Kjendlie turned on his former ally, calling him a "dangerous enemy and power-mad schemer." In discouragement, Bauer then disbanded the CCTU, costing the CP another ally. At about this time, another long time CP member, Broderick, was banished from the CP for opposing Kjendlie.

Finally, Kjendlie, angry that Serious Sam was cooperating with Bauer in preparation for the Dork Cup, turned on Sam, his fiercest supporter. The resulting break cost the CP its final ally.

Now, the CP meeting place is increasingly quiet. Kjendlie himself has not been seen for over a week. The CP has not taken a noticeable part in the defense of York during the Dork Cup. Is the CP, the original and flagship law enforcement organization on Shartak, dead?

New Lists of Rankings Released

A recently compiled list details the foremost practitioners of several arts. Shartakian society has long tended to recognize the most violent members of its population, giving fame to destructive individuals like Long Fin Killie, WB Hazen, and Armadox. This has led to an unnecessary and counter-productive emphasis on violence in Shartak society.

However, new lists of rankings have been released that recognize the exploits of the more productive members of society. Traders, healers, and exorcists are recognized for their postive contributions to society. Prominent Derbians appear on several of the lists.

Derby's long time shaman Rill is the second most effective prolific exorcist on the island. Derbians account for one fifth of the greatest healers on Shartak society. A Derbian by the name of Edwin firmly occupies spots on both the top trading and top healing lists. Topping the trader list is Shartak discoverer and Derbian Simon.

The Derby Evening Press hopes that this is a sign of the trend to move beyond combat towards the foundation of a prosperous and productive society on Shartak.

Increased Foreign Language Fluency

Learning the foreign language goes both ways.

Communications between natives and outsiders have long been hindered by the inability of either side to speak the other's language. While the more linguistically inclined can understand foreign languages perfectly, they have never able to master the art of speech or writing in anything but their first language. Both parties had to be able to understand the other completely to communicate. As a result, only the most talented could communicate with other societies.

That has now changed. We have reports that the most skilled linguists on Shartak have finally mastered the art of speaking and writing in foreign languages. The Derby Evening Press hopes that this will be the first step in ending the costly and pointless war between natives and outsiders.

The South: The Eastern Alliances, Derby Privateers

A portion of the long expanse that separates York from Derby.

This article is part of an ongoing series examining the politics of southern Shartak.

York has seen many pacts, cease-fires and treaties made and broken on it's soil. Two of these treaties were made with our very own town of Derby. The 1st Derby Privateers were a 'rabidly' pro-pirate clan in their early days, Captain Zombie admits. But something happened to change thier dislike of York.

At that time, both the Hospitallers and Privateers were new to Shartak. The friendship of the Privateers and Derby Hospitallers had yet to turn into the official Eastern Federation pact. So, with the Privateers trying to grow closer to their comrades, Zombie determined to dampen his piratism, and make more of an effort to establish the 1DP in Shartak politics.

The Privateers eventually approached the Colonial Police, once their sworn enemies, with the offer of a mutual defensive pact. The CP took this offer with a pinch of salt. To the CP, the Privateers were enemies yesterday, but they were now ready to defend York? Still, upon the vouchsase of the Hospitallers, Rob Zombie was allowed into the Back Room of Czechy's Tavern, and the MD Pact was signed.

Time passed by, and the CP grew closer to Derby. Nighter helped the Privateers with some artwork, Zombie visited York on his way to the Durham Headhunt, and all was well. Then an old storm reappeared on the horizon: war with the Mercenary's Guild and Jolly Roger Gang. Sources conflict here. Some say the Privateers betrayed York, and backed out on thier offer to be first to help York. The Privateers would say that the CP incurred the anger of the MG, and through them, the JRG.

Words were exchanged, heated debates and discussions that cast Zombie from the Back Room. These arguments gave Zombie the same status in York as Zydd Soral: traitor. The Privateers cut off all contact with York after receiving one too many insults. The growing clan turned their eyes inward to Derby, determined to keep their hometown from turning in to another York. Thus, the soil of politics was made ripe for the fruit of the Eastern Federation.