The Cutlass Chronicle/Issue 01

The Cutlass Chronicle

Gold, Guts, and Glory

The life of a Mercenary is incredibly boring, and you tend to die a lot in the line of duty. Mercenaries are pathetic, cowards, and puny fighters who use empty threats to spread terror along the Southern Coast of Shartak. At least, that's what the *other* newspaper tells us. Here's the absolute, unbiased (from a Mercenary's point of view) truth about lots of things in Shartak told in a manner that would make even the most Serious of Sams cringe.

Public Announcement

With civilization introduced to Shartak, and more and more youths growing up in the cities, unaware of the dangerous jungle outside your settlement, here is a friendly reminder from your nonbiased mercenary newspaper that tigers will take an arm over a parrot, even a dead Norwegian Blue.

Parrots Responsible for Native Speech Defects

When you take a happy stroll through the treacherous jungles of Shartak, it's almost impossible to not come across an intelligent parrot which has mastered certain phrases.

Even more common throughout the isle are unintelligent natives who haven't been able to master even the tiniest words of the English language. These have absolutely nothing to do with this article. The natives we're about to mention are the intelligent sort - those who are actually interested in learning how to plead for mercy in the language of the outsiders and pirates.

Not surprisingly, when you get a dim-witted parrot with a bad memory together with a nest of intelligent parrots with great memories, you're going to get a bunch of horribly incorrect English-repeating parrots. Instead of "Polly wants a cracker!" you'll hear them say "Polly wants a crack!"

As natives are educated by hearing and repeating, the New Amsterdam School of Language has a few rooms full of parrots and illustrations of what the parrots are repeating incessantly. It would be a very nice system if not for one dumb parrot that, sadly, has maimed a native generation for years to come.

For obvious reasons we cannot quote the natives.

Article by Anonymous

Protestant Shartak

The MG has obtained an exclusive transcript of one of Lutheran's numerous failed attempts to convert the locals. We present it here for your edification and enjoyment. Actually, just the latter. If anyone actually finds this edifying, let us know and we'll put you out of your misery (for a small fee, of course). This transcript was obtained from the good man Cannabis Lupus.

L: You need to worship Christ to save your soul.

N: What's a soul?

L: The essence of your personality.

N: What do I need to save it from?

L: Hell.

N: What's that?

L: Where unbelievers go when they die. It's a horrible, painful, fiery place.

N: Ouch. How do I avoid it?

L: Believe in Christ, the savior.

N: How can he help?

L: He loves everyone.

N: So I need to love him or my personality will burn when I die?

L: Of course. But you can also go to Hell for being bad.

N: How does he know if you're bad?

L: He knows what you do and watches all of us.

N: Even in the bathroom?

L: Of course, he watches everywhere.

N: Ewww.

L: No, not like that. He just watches you to make sure you're being absolutely good in accordance with His wishes.

N: Sounds like a mean pervert.

L: No He's not. He loves everyone.

N: But those who don't love him fry?

L: Exactly.

N: So he hates them?

L: No, he loves them too.

N: Then why does he condemn them to such suffering?

L: For their own good.

N: Why is it good for them?

L: Well, they'll learn to love him there and repent their past mistakes.

N: So you can get out of hell?

L: Of course not, otherwise there would be no point.

N: Then why should they repent?

L: To gain respect in His eyes.

N: But he won't let them out?

L: No.

N: So what use is the respect?

L: It's our goal.

N: Not mine. What happens if I'm good?

L: You go to Heaven.

N: What happens there?

L: You live out eternity in the glory of God.

N: Which means?

L: You have lots of fun.

N: What sort?

L: It's just a nice place.

N: You mean you don't know?

L: It just means being with God.

N: The same guy who orders people to get fried?

L: Yes.

N: He doesn't sound very pleasant.

L: Of course He is. He's God.

N: So?

L: God is great.

N: Why does that make heaven fun?

L: You're meant to be living as one with God.

N: ....

L: You find your happiness in that, you don't just have fun.

N: So you don't, per se, have fun?

L: Of course not. You glory in living in righteousness with Him.

N: The guy who orders people fried?

L: He who is Righteous, yes.

N: Of course, him. You know, I think I'm going to leave now.

L: Go with God.

N: I hope not.

Article by Enoch the Watcher

Pollution in York

Shartak's own dictatorship, York - ruled by tyrants Adolf Kjendlie, Sir Serious Robin, Lutheran the Persecuted and a couple of other assorted lunatics - is having serious waste management issues.

Witnesses of York have described it as "A war zone1!" although this has yet to be verified by the most benevolent Pope, as his word is final, of course. In respect to the Glorious Roman Catholic Religion, we'd like to digress for a moment to warn you about the dangers of Protestantism. First of all, if you're a protestant, there are 1179 people on the island of Shartak who want to stone you. You're outnumbered about 131/1, so good luck with that. There is no second of all.

Back on topic. Apparently, someone has found out that displacement of soil allows for an odd thing they call a "hole." Holes can now be found anywhere on the "ground" provided there's isn't a covering of water, rock, swamp, or hut. We'll have more on digging and how incredible it is in another article, another time.

These holes are naturally being filled up again, although sometimes one has excess luggage which one must dispose of. Dropping it where you stand as was once the normal way to dump trash is now an affront to logic. Many have began burying their wastes in and around York, with the Great Mercenary's Guild (us!!) leading the fight. Empty bottles, poison darts to prick the fingers of the unsuspecting shovelless, salt water labeled as wine... the list goes on.

What has this done to York? We asked this question to an innocent bystander right before he was cut down by the corrupt Sammo of York for the simple fact that he had arrived on the island as a slave on a pirate ship. Our question remains unanswered.

We can only hope to irreversibly pollute the lands in and around York so that the citizens will be forced to emigrate to greener pastures, such as Durham or Derby. It's much better over there, they don't cut down traders on sight.

Sir Serious Robin is quoted as saying "Mass murder? I assure you we never for a moment had such things in mind. I only thought we would eliminate Pirates from positions of trade and government, and that was all. But don't forget that the Pirates carried on a terrific campaign against us too, all over the island."

Quote Translated from German

Article by Anonymous

Tomorrow in Technology and Religion

One of the island's most unique inhabitants is its first itinerant preacher, Reg Llama of Brixton. Reg was an ordinary llama working in the British film industry until a terrible accident with a spotlight, a glass of soda, and the 1/21st Royal North British Fusiliers Regiment put him in the hospital for a month.

While he was slowly learning to use his left buttock again, he had a religious encounter with what he termed an angel (but everyone else termed a "big-screen teevee"). God, he immediately realized, was immanent in all of Creation, and spoke with a southern accent from all types of technological devices.

Reg immediately tried to bring this epiphany to his fellow llamas, but, sadly, they only spoke Quechua and thought he was trying to proposition them. After an altercation with a Venezuelan Red Llama and a disastrous attempt to faith-heal an Ecuadorian Mountain Llama by hitting it in the head (Benny Hinn style) with a Nintendo DS, Reg was forced to flee the UK one step ahead of the police and animal control.

After a tortuous (for his fellow passengers) voyage, Reg arrived on Shartak. He's quite happy here, since he doesn't get killed much more than anyone else and, because of the prevalence of GPS devices, thinks that they island is full of people with similar beliefs in the redemptive power of technology. As delusions go, it's relatively harmless...but we still advise all readers to avoid his attempts to faith-heal you.

Article by Enoch the Watcher

Memorable Quotes

This Edition's Famous Quotes: "NO YORK FOR YOU!" - Kjendlie "We will surrender when we win! NEVER!" - Sir Serious Robin

Note: Not actual quotes.

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