The York Times, issue 5.

The York Times, back with MORE TRUTH, to serve the community!

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Durham attempts to tax salt water, people "not satisfied."

Earlier this month, the Durham govenor Ron Burdundy passed an act to tax all salt water around Durham. "We own the salt water." He explains, smoking a strange smelling herb. "No, not we, I. I OWN IT! I OWN IT ALL!" He then explains to me about all of the goverment's secret programs. "So, right, im capturing and training rhinos to fight the natives. Kinda of a mounted police effort, except im hoping to make bombs. That would be awesome." Upon asking him WHY he was taxing salt water, Ron was angry. "Listen, if I dont dont tax it, they will win. Who are they? Dont worry about who they are, they are very dangerous and disagree with our very way of life. Also, they said you suck!"

This reporter wonders if this is the very reincarnation of Kjendlie. I certainly hope so.

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What would happen if there was a talk show in Shartak- Royal Scandal!

• the setting takes place in a large hut, there is loud clapping. Keiichi stands up on a stage.*

"Hello hello! Welcome to my talk show! Today we are interviewing Blue Hummingbird and her supposed children, what fun!"

• Blue Hummingbird walks out on the stage dressed in a tight skirt. The crowd boos her, she flips them off.*

Blue Hummingbird: "Whatevah whatevah! I do whatevah I want!"

Keiichi takes a moment for the crowd to calm down, then Natalia Hummingbarne walks out looking very much humiliated. The crowd cheers her own. Taka then walks out and sits next to her, the crowd's cheering now dying down as they sit down.

Keiichi: "Are these two children your's?, Blue Hummingbird?"

Blue Hummingbird points to Natalia. "Her baby daddy done up and run away with some pirate ho, and I dont even know that kid." She gestures to Taka.

Natalia: "I thought you said my daddy got ate by a giant squid!" She bursts into tears.

Taka: "I have fought the living dead, I have seen my fallen friends walk....."

Blue Hummingbird: "See? He on herb! He be getting the fix once or twice a day! Boy, your daddy was a shargle and your mother a one legged pirate!"

Keiichi: "Is it possible, seeing as you have one bastard child, that this boy could be yours...."

Blue Hummingbird: "bitch, you dont know me! You dont know who you messin' with! Im CRAZY!"

The crowd boos her loudly.

Blue Hummingbird leaps at Keiichi, she gets subdued by three guards. "You dont know me! You dont know me!"

Taka was still talking, in a monotone voice. "warrior of the mountain and child of the clouds...."

Natalia: "I cant take dis family no more!" She cracks Keiichi over the head with a chair.

Taka: "The prince, prince of Raktam...."

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Randall Flagg to all natives; No air for you.

Randall Flagg, creator of the 1st Native Relocation act, made a new act: The 1st Native Oxygen Tax. He explains.

"Natives, they're so filthy, why should they be able to breathe MY air and convert it to a useless by-product? IF they want to be in Derby, they should pay for me air! Air should not be free for those savages. They should bring their own bottled air if they want to breathe. They should not be able to breathe freely, you know, 1 gold coin for each breath of air! 2 gold coins to exhale! 3 gold coins for a sip of water! 4 gold coins to use the bathroom! 5 gold to use your sight, six gold coins to be able to walk freely...." He goes on like this for a couple of minutes before eventually being killed by a EF member. I thank the said member kindly.

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Cooking with Kjendlie!

Keiichi: Today, we are cooking shargle stew!

Kjendlie looks around with clutching a rifle in both hands. "The trees, they can hear me Keiichi. They can! They talk to me. They speak words of ultimate truth."

Keiichi: "Not this again, Kjendlie...."

Kjendlie: "I was police chief! I still am! LOOK AT MY BADGE!" He then displays a tiny plastic badge, obviously made for children. "I'm still useful! I'm still powerful! It's Bauer's fault!"

Keiichi: "Is that all you ever talk about, Bauer? I mean, it's as if you love him or something."

Kjendlie. "You've been looking at my diary, haven't you?! All the entries dotted with cutesy hearts and underlined in pink! I'll cook you alive!"

Kjendlie tackles Keiichi, attempting to force him into an oven.

Keiichi: "Kjendlie, nooo!"

Kjendlie: "It's the only way, Keiichi, the only way!"

Keiichi bites Kjendlie, and runs away. "Crazy maniac!"