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The York Times, issue 4. ''Now with extra lies!'' --------------------------------------------------------------------- Keiichi's adventure to Dalpok and beyond: The super fantastic insane quest for shiny objects and appreciation all over shartak and this title is extremely long. Walking away from York one morning, I found myself in the jungles of Shartak. Being the manly man the I am, I walked all around searching for some signs of life. It seemed that my sense of direction was not as wonderful as I had imagined, and I kept on circling the same tree again and again. Somehow, though, I found myself in the magical village of Dalpok, where many of oppurtunities were presented to me. The first of which was the collection of many a native's head, they were '''wanting''' to have their heads chopped off, I imagine, because their lives are worthless and for the taking. After this reaping of flesh, a native shaman showed me how to go on a spiritual quest. I shall explain the ritual in great detail. We shut ourselves off in a hut, and the shaman burned a great deal of herbs, making the hut fill with a great haze of smoke. I was then handed a gourd filled with a dark liquid, and I drank it all down with a single gulp. Unknown to me, this liquid was a juice derived from poison berries picked in the jungle, and I soon found my head becoming light and the world slipping away. Almost instantly I had amazing visions of the spiritual world, things that I could have never imagined, wonderful images of the world beyond our own. I do not exactly know the complete details of my spirit quest, but I did wake up the next morning in a daze, naked and with a newly tattooed likeness of the queen of Raktam on my buttocks. Hrrm..... Leaving Dalpok, I made my way though the jungle once again, making friends with pirates and natives along the way. One day, I happened to walk out of the jungle, and onto a beach. Seeing the water of the ocean, I decided to dive in and search around for the fabled city of Atlantis so I could be the richest man on Shartak. However, a shark did bite me and I had to wade out of the water, bleeding and tired. I tried to act all dramatic when I died, but I have done it so many times it has become a daily routine for me. It was back to my beloved settlement, York! --------------------------------------------------------------------- The random rambling corner. So, what is up with the Colonial Police? Yeah, I know they think their for the good of York, but are they REALLY? A recent survey has found out that any sort of exposure to the Colonial Police leads to insanity, pirates, and invasions. Also, they have a tendency to make people cry, and in the past have been accused of 'pulling a Macdonald'. One York citizen has this to say: ''"They withdrew from my feel-good bank and left me feeling empty....emotionally."'' The man, whose name rhymes with 'Otacon', then burst into tears at how mean the Colonial Police are to him. With much hope, the CP will wise up and say sorry because they are all so '''cruel''' --------------------------------------------------------------------- The effects of Halloween. Halloween this year was a strange one. With werewolves, zombies, and people waving pumpkins around, it was also an amazing one. However, some people dont know what the true effects of halloween were, I'll tell you what I think. 1. Robzombie is killed due to having 'zombie' in his name. Derby Privateers destroy Dalpok in retaliation. 2. Old Macdonald gave out candy, but anything good comes with a price. 3. Durham is destroyed because it is declared too boring for anyone to live in. 4. Zombie squids give The Kraken Hunters a run for their money. 5. Werewolves become the most popular pet, making shargles a close second. 6. Blue Hummingbird demands that halloween be invaded. 7. Spirits become 210% more scary, but still considered dull. --------------------------------------------------------------------- The York Times writing contest! Do you like to write? If so, you should write for this contest that I am sponsoring. All you need to do is write a story about Shartak, and you may win these wonderful prizes! First prize- Have your story published in The York Times. Second prize- 1 gold coin. Third prize- Absolutely nothing! Happy writing!

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