The Tower Of Death
Captain Edwards and The Tower Of Death is a popular Shartak published novel, given in instalments. The currently published parts of volume I are displayed below. There has been a slight delay in printing, because trained monkeys (suspect: Zeff) have run off with the printing press. Every effort is being made by the Privateers and JRG to recover it.
Part 1 of Capt. Edwards and the Tower of DEATH!!!!
"What do you know about Bauer?" "Kjendlie, seriously you need to relax with this whole CTU organization." " Nighter, how could you even say that? He is trying to dislove the CP and make all our hard work null and void. He is trying to destory us and everything we stand for!"
The pair sat in Czechy's infamous backroom. Smoke and alcohol clouded the air in the cramped inner chamber. A single oil lamp lit the room as Nighter stared across the table to his friend.
"Bauer just wants to help. I've talked to the guy, KJ. He's on the level."
Kjendlie just stood up and left. Nighter finished his ale alone.
Meanwhile, at the base of MT. Shartak...
Capt. Michael Edwards awoke to the glint of a machete, about to cut his head off. He barely rolled out of the way as the weapon dropped. He wobbled to his feet and wobbled some more as he got his bearings. He saw a beatuful native woman standing across from him.
"I must confess, if I was to die I'd love it to be by those beautiful bosoms." "Opttk Dack Hjkt Ajth Iut Attck Plut!" Shouted the woman.
"Whoa now, I said IF!!!" The woman charged at Edwards. He was ready, however, and ran to her left and took out an empty bottle, smashing it over her head and knocking her out cold. "Hate to kill lovely ladies," Edwards mumbled. He took her weapons and sat down on a nearby rock. He fished a bottle of rum from his pack and drank it down with a sigh.
It had been a month, a month from when Patch disappared and Edwards went out looking for him, leaving Rozen to hold down the wreck.
Edwards drank some more Rum.
Tribune Barnes' office was backlogged with hundreds of files. He always tried to keep it neat, but with such a forward moving city like Derby, it's hard to keep up. He heard a knock on the door and Rob Zombie entered the office.
"Hey, Rob."
Rob sat in the guest chair and lit a pipe. "Hey James, just came by to finish up any needed work for the new court system. Oh! That and we finally killed that Wiksik raiding party that's been harassing traders."
"Good, Rob. Yeah, the courts system is just about finished. All we need is..." CRAAAAAAAAAAACK RUUUUUUUUUUUUMBLE!!!!!!!
The whole office was knocked down as a huge earthquake rocked Derby.
Everyone okay? Rob, you still alive?" "DAMN!!! My pipe's broke!!!" yelled Rob as he stood up from the rubble. Standing up, he looked out onto the sea and saw what looked like a huge black rift in the horizon. "What the hell is up with that?" mumbled Rob.
"James was facing opposite of Rob and surveryed the town for anyone needing medical treatment. He looked North and the color drained from his face.
"Rob, look up north!!"
"Hey James, what do you make of this? ...James?" Rob turned around and saw James running to the hospital to get more supplies. "James, where you going?"
Rob's eyes wandered more north to see 30 1st Derby Privateers drawing up a firing line behind some fencing. He looked past them and swore under his breath.
300 Wiksik warriors came charging towards Derby, swinging machetes and wailing shrill warcries.
Rob placed the broken pipe into his mouth and tried to light it, forgeting it was broken. He let it drop and simply remarked,
"Isn't this just the best damn day to be alive..."
MEANWHILE -DORK...YORK-
If he had cared. Kjendlie would have noticed a small tremor underneath his feet as he walked to the 1st Colonial Militia's headquaters. He did, however, step over some shit near the doorway successfully.
The inside of the building was adorned with various propaganda posters, (THE ONLY GOOD PIRATE IS A DEAD PIRATE!!) (AGAINEST YORK? FOR PIRATES!!) Militia flags and wanted posters.
One poster is particular was of Michael Edwards. It looked like it was used as a dartboard. Another was of Rozen, drawn with fake glases and beard. Nobody was in the front room, so Kjendlie yelled for Sam.
"Back here!" came the gruff voice.
Kjendlie walked into the backroom of the headquaters and saw Serious Sam sitting at a table, surrounded by rifles, ammo, and machetes. On what little table space was left, Sam cut a mango into bite sizes.
"Sam... Nighter's not with us, any more."
"Went with that pansy Bauer?" snorted Sam.
"Yeah. We need to clear out the bad blood around here. You in?" Whispered Kjendlie.
"KJ, anyone who doesn't side with us doesn't side with York. Anyone who doesn't side with York sides with the pirates, and all pirates need to die," Sam said as he ate some more mango.
"Good. Tonight then, Sam." Kjendlie turned and left.
MEANWHILE MT.SHARTAK
Edwards was naked. He was naked underneath the summit's waterfall. He had trekked all the way up the mountain and saw no sign of Patch. Or of anyone, really. Upon arriving at the falls and realizing he hadn't bathed in months, Edwards decided to enjoy a swim.
As he enjoyed the cool water he felt a violent after-shock from the earthquake. He got out of the water to survey any damages. Seeing none, he muttered, "Nothing at all up here."
He dove back into the water, and then he saw a glint in the corner of his eye from behind the falls. He swam to it and found a small nook behind the falls with a shrine holding the most pristine gold and jeweled plate he ever saw.
He took it and swam over to his belongings, stuffing the plate into his pack.
"Least I'm not leaving empty handed." He fished another bottle of rum out and began drinking.
KAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...KHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...*COUGH*...*HACK*...*WHEEZE*...KAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Edwards was starled by the crackle and sprung out of the water, grabing his cutlass. From his left he could see a dark figure drop from the treeline.
"Damn preverts... ZEFF, IS THAT YOU?" No response.
"Well, then," grumbled Edwards, "guess someone's picking a fight with a naked pirate. Perv."
MEANWHILE, IN DERBY:
"Steady, men..."
AIAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!
"Aim..."
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!
"FIRE!!"
IIII *thud*
"Reload!!"
Rob had sweat dripping down his face as he shouted out the thrid volley of rifle fire. He knelt down and reloaded his rifle. No matter how many times they fired, the Natives would still keep coming. Rob readied himself for the next volley. They were still far enough away, he guessed.
"Ready..."
Than the natives split like waves and dove into the thick jungle, as if they were never there.
"They're turning back! We've won!!" shouted a hopeful man down the line.
Rob, however, had a bad feeling in his gut. He had been in enough battles to know something wasn't quite right.
"Hold the line men!" He yelled
"Capt, we beat them!!" sounded the same voice. Rob saw him stand up.
Rob, still kneeling, turned his head to him. "Hold the line! That's an order!!"
"Listen, you may be the captain but don't think you're so..."
*Thwack!*
A dart flew straight into and out of his head. The corpse fell with a dull thud. Soon, a whole storm of venom-tipped darts screamed out of the jungle, felling any one unlucky enough to stop it.
"RETREAT!!!! RETREAT! FIND COVER!!!!!" shouted Rob as a Corporal near him fell, hit in the chest. Rob grabbed him by the collar and began dragging him to the hospital.
James and other Hospitallers were already treating wounded hit by the darts in and out of the hospital. As the Privateers retreated from their first defensive line, other Hospitallers shot covering fire.
Rob dragged the Corporal over to James. He began to apply first aid on the spot as darts flew threw the air. Rob ran into a woodshed near them, where other Privateers had taken shelter. He looked out the broken window and saw that the natives were forming up for another charge. There were less of them. Some staying in the jungle, no doubt, to rain more darts.
Rob brought his rifle up to his face and looked down the sights, yelling, "FIRE AT WILL!!!" The message spread like wildfire in Derby.
MEANWHILE MT. SHARTAK
Edwards charged at the dark figure in all his naked glory. The figure too charged at Edwards, albeit slower. The two came face-to-face and locked blades. Edwards could see that it was a native. An old man.
"What the hell ya bothering me for, old timer?" grunted Edwards. The old man was stronger than he looked.
All the old man did was cackle that same annoying laugh as he shifted his weight, making Edwards trip and fall into mud. He turned to Edwards to deal the finishing blow.
But Edwards was resoruceful and tackled him from all fours, throwing the old man to the ground. Edwards was on top of him: naked, muddy...and pissed off. He began punching the man over and over again in the face. Blood flew until finally Edwards heard,
"Please stop...please stop...PLEASE!!!!" shouted the man
Edwards halted and asked, "You speak my language?" The old man nodded meekly.
MEANWHILE OUSTIDE YORK IN THE JUNGLE.
The night air was humid as Nighter and Sam walked side by side. "Sam, why'd KJ call a meeting all the way out here?" asked Nighter. "KJ doesn't feel the backroom is safe anymore. Simple as that," Sam grunted. They walked in silence the rest of the way.
As they approached Nighter could hear moaning. Not the good sexy time moaning either. More like the "help, I'm dying or hurt badly" moan.
Nighter, standing in front of Sam, pushed some foliage back to reveal a horrific sight.
Bauer was collapsed on the ground, his arms tied behind a tree. He looked beaten and bloody. Kjendlie stood over him, holding a rifle.
"Again, WHAT INFOMATION HAVE YOU GIVEN TO OUR ENEMIES?!!" "... ..." Kjendlie slammed the butt of the rifle into Bauer's shoulder. "BAUER!!" "Screw...SCREW YOU KJ!" Bauer yelled out.
Nighter was shocked. "What the hell are you doing, KJ?!!" Kjendlie turned around and looked straight at Nighter. "Protecting York. We must ensure that no traitor every crosses us again."
He extended the rifle to Nighter. "Execute this traitor for crimes against York. Prove your worth."
"No, Kjendlie."
"Do it Nighter. Do it".
"No."
"THEN I'LL DO IT MYSELF!!" Kjendlie swung the rifle around to Bauer and pulled the trigger...
BANG (Note: Extra-big)
“What...Kjendlie...what have you done?”
Nighter looked at a horrific sight. Kjendlie stood over Bauer’s corpse. His whole front was splattered in Bauer’s blood.
“This, Nighter, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO TRATIORS!!!”
Nighter stared at the corpse. He could have sworn he saw a glow from the corpse.
Kjendlie turned to Sam and nodded.
Suddenly Nighter realized that this was to be a purge of all “traitors”.
Like lighting, Nighter jammed his machete’s hilt into Sam’s gut, knocking him down. Kjendlie, however, still had a bullet left. As Nighter made a break for it, he fired...
MT. SHARTAK
Edwards dressed himself as the old man tried to free himself from his vine rope bindings.
Edwards walked over to him and kicked him in the gut.
"What the hell you bother me on my swim for?!!"
“You stole my plate... Me wonderful plate!!!! Give it back now!!!” shouted the man
Edwards looked over to who he thought was a native, but realized he was in fact a European with a heavy tan.
“Old guy, where the hell did you come from?”
“Me?...a geez...I got thrown off a merchant boat twenty years ago for molesting the captains daughter…Now give me my plate back!!! IT’S THE KEY!!! THE KEY TO MAKE ALL THE NATIVE WOMEN WANT TO MAKE SEXY WITH ME!!!”
Edwards just shook his head at the old man’s ramblings and began his descent back to the jungle and his search for Patch...
-DERBY-
“CHARGE!!!” yelled Rob, waving a blood-soaked cutlass in the air.
The whole town of Derby moved like a wave of blades against the natives. Rifles wouldn’t work any more, as the natives were too close, so Rob and his men resorted to more visceral means.
Rob was soaked in native blood as he fought hand-to-hand against hundreds of natives. He used a pirate's cutlass given to him by his brother Rozen.
As the fighting pushed the natives out, Rob ordered his men to begin firing again. As the natives ran back into the jungle, they were chased by good old-fashioned lead.
The battle for Derby had been won. Rob looked around at the remaining carnage. As James and his mean treated one solider to the next, others were moving headless corpses to be buried.
“CAPT. ZOMBIE!!! WE GOT ONE !!” shouted a familiar voice. Rob turned to see Elegost running up to him. Elegost stopped to catch his breath, and then looked up and smiled. “We caught a native still alive.”
THE JUNGLES BELOW MT. SHARTAK.
Capt. Edwards walked steadiliy in the jungle. He was examining the beautiful gold plate he “stole” from the perverted old man on MT. shartak. He held up to the jungle treetops and watched as the broken light shined its beauty on it.
“Hm... Maybe this really can make all the native women love me,” he chuckled to himself.
Than he got hit in the head with a rock.
“WHO IN THE BLOODY BLAZES!!!” yelled Edwards.
He looked around and saw the native woman he knocked out from before, holding a handful of stones. “What the hell!! You don’t even have a weapon anymore!!!” The women simply shouted “ATTK!” Five huge Warriors emerged from the jungle, brandishing blades. “Hello, chaps... This your sister?” The natives simply grunted...
YORK
Nighter ran for his life. He moved slower, however, due to the horrific pain in his leg. Kjendlie had landed a shot into his thigh. He had to get away he had to tell people what had happened. He knew that if…if he could just make it to Derby, he would be safe...hopefully. He ran some more before collapsing from exhaustion.
Sam was examining a trail of splattered blood from Nighter's wound. “KJ, we can follow him pretty easy.” Kjendlie was busy digging a hole for Bauer’s body. He grunted his approval. “Sam, we go back to york. Get some more men and supplies, then we follow him. Sam, we need to kill him before he talks.” Sam grunted as he grabbed Bauer’s body and threw it into Kjendlie’s freshly dug grave.
-Derby-
Rob and James stood in a small hut. A native was tied up sitting on the floor. Elegost stood in the doorway. “We caught him while the natives were running away. He got shot in the leg and we picked him up easy. Be careful, he is WickSick.” Rob turned to Elegost. “Yeah, all the natives were from Wiksik.” James, however, piped up. “WickSick and Wiksik are different. Elegost means this native is a crazed headhunter.” Rob grunted. “Not so mighty now, is he? James, ask him what his friends were doing today.” James translated. The native spat on the ground. He needed no words. “Not talking, Rob.” Responded James Rob moved closer to the native. “Ask him again, James.” Rob then dug his muddy boot right into the native's gunshot wound. “HEATKA TOAJ TKKKA THAKK!!! HEATKA TOAJ TKKKA THAKK!!! HEATKA TOAJ TKKKA THAKK!!!” the native shouted. “Heads for the tower, heads for the tower... That’s all he is saying, Rob,” responded James.
Part 2
(Unwritten. Will be added.)
If you have been offended by use of your character in The Tower Of Death then grow up. It's a work of fiction inspired by true life events (well, true Shartak events). The Tower Of Death first came on sale during the flocking of visitors to Midway Island, also called Ry'leh.
